How to Get Out of the Friend Zone with a Girl

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The friend zone is a dreaded no man’s land of the male/female interaction. A guy gets to be close to a woman, but doesn’t get to the next level with her. He isn’t rejected outright like other guys in her life, however, he doesn’t get to enjoy the intimacy that she allows with the guys that she actually dates. It’s a place where you’re stuck in an unrequited pseudo-relationship, with a girl who doesn’t seem to ever have that same attraction…but she still wants you around. The question is obvious, how does a guy get out of the friend zone? Can the relationship dynamic be changed fast?

Is It Possible to Get Out of the Friend Zone?

Short answer: Yes.

Longer answer: Yes, but it can be quite difficult and takes time to pull off. Plus, there is no guarantee of success. As such, a man could put forth a whole lot of time and effort towards getting out of the friend zone, and still be no better off months later.

In my mind, the ‘effort’ to getting out of the friend zone, produces great results both socially and with other women in general. So, even if the girl a guy wants to get with never happens, he is in a fabulous spot either way.

The Type of ‘Friendship’ We’re Talking Here

Not all friend zone situations are the same. In this post, I want to get into that unrequited type of admiration or love or whatever you want to label it as. The situation in which the man desperately wants the girl he is ‘friends’ with, has made overtures toward her, and gets romantically rejected. Then, he is stuck with a girl he wants something more with, but doesn’t want him as anything more than a ‘buddy’.

If you’re looking to get out of the friend zone with an ex-girlfriend, I wrote about that here: Ex-Girlfriend Just Wants to be Friends

There are other situations in which the guy thinks he is stuck with the girl, but actually isn’t, and times where he just hasn’t tested the waters yet. Sometimes, a girl in your social circle will actually like you and want to get with you BUT she won’t make the first move (she doesn’t want to be rejected). In that situation, if you want her, you need to make things happen.

Again, I am going to be focusing on the first scenario, in this post.

The Fundamental Problem that Needs to Be Resolved

One of the most basic principles that I put forth in terms of dating, is this: Attraction is Perception

If one is not getting sexual attraction from women, it is a problem of how that man is being perceived. Change the perception and you can change the level of attraction.

Now, when I say this, I am speaking in terms of the general population. For example, if you were to get in ridiculous physical shape, more women would become attracted to you than had been previously. Yet, even with this being true, there would still be some for which the change didn’t move the needle all that much.

You can’t change the perception of every single woman enough to have an attraction towards you. However, you can for a whole lot of them. I would assume in most cases, that a girl who is friends with you, has some level of non-romantic attraction to you. One would then, simply need to stoke that desire within her to make her view you as a viable romantic/sexual partner.

A huge caveat to this, is if you’re dealing with a manipulative woman, who keeps guys around just to use them. For our purposes, I’m going to keep to the assumption that this is not the case, but guys do need to get hip to this possibility.

Back to perception and attraction.

How a man is perceived can have a many magnitude impact on how he is treated within the sexual marketplace. I’ve used this example before, of a man who is a great musician, but who keeps his songs to himself and lets no one else hear them. If this man, walks into a bar, will he get attraction from the ladies? Maybe. Unless, he is some super good looking guy, it probably won’t be an overwhelming one. Heck, he can be wealthy too, but nobody knows it by looking at him.

Okay, so, take the same exact scenario but only change the fact that this man has released his music to the public. He scores multiple Top 10 hits from it and he is now has ‘celebrity’. Nothing has changed about who he is, just other’s perception of him. Does he get more female attraction? Of course! The notoriety completely shifts the perception and the attraction follows.

In the second scenario, he would have as many women as he wanted (presumably), but there’s nothing different about who he is as a person. He is just now ‘more’ attractive because of the incredible power of social status and its effect on the human brain.

Within our society, celebrity is potentially the greatest variable in changing perception, and could have almost overnight changes in the level of attraction. While this isn’t an option for most of us, we can still change perceptions on a smaller scale, in order to (possibly) get the attraction of a woman we desire. Meaning, we can use perception of ourselves to crawl out of the friend zone.

How the Friend Zoned Man is Perceived

The man who is stuck in the friend zone is viewed as not a sexually viable option for the woman. Yes, sometimes sex can occur between the two, but it’s usually doled out due to pity or the guy in the friend zone happened to be the only option that night when she was horny. Right place, right time.

The guy doesn’t give her those body tingles and overwhelming urges that the men that she actually wants to date do. The friend zoned man is almost an androgynous character in her eyes, not quite male nor is he a female either. He is a nice, stable option to spend time with, have platonic fun with, and sometimes complain to about the other men that she is actually dating or sleeping with. Anything beyond that garners a response of, “Oh, you’re like a brother to me”.

It’s quite a weird relationship to be in. Like, a man might have women in his social circle that he is friendly with, goes to events together and such; yet there isn’t this other level of being in a sexual purgatory.

Yes, I tie it all to sexual attraction because that is what it boils down to. If a woman wants to sleep with a man, has that intense sexual attraction, she will put up with a lot in order to get it. This is one of the reasons that you see so many girls with guy’s who you would consider to be ‘jerks’ or ‘bad boys’, they give her those special tingles. Androgynous friend zone guys do not. Even if the girl is a virgin, she will still have the strong attraction to the guy who makes her want to have sex, and not the goofy guy she’s friends with.

I don’t think many guys fathom, the true sexual nature, and levels of desire that women have. I mean, even if I hadn’t dated any women during my life, just living in apartments with thin walls, would’ve tipped me off to how much sex/masturbation chicks have. This sort of pedestal worship or idealization of women, can cause a lot of problems in your dating life, but a full discussion is beyond the scope of this post.

The basics of getting out of this situation, is to alter the perceptions about oneself, in order to be regarded as a ‘desirable’ man. A woman has no need to date a man who not only does give her those sexual feelings but also acts like a good little lap dog, who is always at her beck and call.

Essentially, it is a one sided game. The woman is getting everything she wants from that particular man. Meanwhile, the man is keeping up the facade of being ‘just friends’ with the girl, when that isn’t what he wants at all. He in actuality, either wants to date her or just have sex with her, but is afraid to lose the access he has to spend time with this woman. Thus, the impasse, and feeling like you’re stuck in the friend zone.

The only two ways that I’ve been able to see out of such an impasse are to walk away from this situation (yes, you may have to let go of your ‘friend’) or to alter the perceptions about you that females in general have towards you, and spark the attraction that you want.

Getting Out of the Friend Zone

Option #1

As I wrote above, one way out, and the easiest way is to simply stop chasing and walk away (or at least not act like a lap dog and go have your own romantic life outside of this chick). Isn’t it bad to give up on something? Not necessarily. This is especially the case if you’re chasing a woman, simply because the woman has hurt your pride, through this constant low level rejection.

It’s just another sunk cost fallacy, “I’ve spent so much time and effort trying to get with this girl, quitting now would be crazy. I’m probably really close to making something happen!”

At some point, it just becomes ridiculous. What is so damn special about one girl? Now, she may be the best person ever, but the odds are that this really isn’t the case. What about other women? There are billions of them, after all. None of the others, could provide the same level of satisfaction or joy, as this one lady?

I don’t know whether or not this path would be correct for you personally, but I simply ask that you weigh your options, and give it a full consideration.

Option #2

All right, so here we are. In order to shift the perceptions about ourselves and get out of the friend zone, we have to understand a little bit about what makes men attractive to women.

Most guys when asked what women look for in a guy, will answer the usual: looks, money, confidence, etc. Plus, they will usually take it as if you don’t have one of those things, then no woman will ever date you. Not the case.

I’ll assume that most guys reading this have grown up playing video games. Whether it is a sports game or an RPG, characters in the game will often have ratings. So, for instance, in Madden or FIFA, a player may be rated 0-99 in speed. This is a player attribute.

In the dating market, men have attribute ratings too. How one fairs in each of these categories will determine how many women are attracted to him. So, yes, one can be extremely good looking and get women based off of that. Just like a faster athlete will be preferable in those sports video games.

However, while you can get attraction based off a single attribute, who a man is in totality will determine his ‘dating success’ with the general female population as a whole. Just like in the game, you may want the fastest athlete, but if he has no other skill set…he’s almost useless. I’ve known plenty of really good looking guys, who got dumped constantly because they either had nothing else going on, or were just awful at expressing their positive attributes.

What a man can do to increase the amount of women that he attracts, is to improve every aspect that makes up who he is, to the best of his ability (before diminishing returns sets in). One gets better in all aspects in order to attract the greatest possible number of women, while each individual woman, will weigh each individual attribute to her personal tastes…this is why you get materialistic gold diggers versus women who really don’t care much about money.

So when guys ask, “Do looks matter?” The answer is yes…to an extent. That extent is determined by that individual woman’s tastes, but among females in general, a good looking man will get more women attracted to him. It’s just common sense. Everything matters, it’s just a changing weighting of importance, on a individual level.

Beyond that, there is also the temporal importance of attributes. Meaning, looks and status, can matter a great deal more in the short term of a relationship and also in the short-lived ‘hook-up’ type relationships than they do in long-term stable relationships.

The most powerful attribute that I have seen or employed myself in getting the initial attraction for any type of relationship, is the personality. No BS here, but a guy who has every aspect of his personality fine tuned, is an absolute machine in terms of attraction. Charisma is extremely potent and why certain folks can walk into a room and just instantly change the entire mood (for the better or worse).

Letting Go

Whether one attempts to attract the girl that put him in the friend zone or not, he still must let go of those hyper attachments he has to her. All of the thoughts about her being ‘the one’ or put on a pedestal, have to go.

Why? This is because he is coming from a place of lower value. He doesn’t offer the girl anything by begging and pleading or being super ‘nice guy’. She wants to date a man that she’s attracted to and desperation is never attractive.

Right off the bat, all of the simp-ish gift buying, dinners, and being her sounding board for all of her problems needs to stop.

Hell, that’s not even a real friendship. Even if you wanted to be in a platonic friendship with this girl, the desire for her would have to be let go of, otherwise it’s just the same old friend zone.

To be more than friends, there needs to be more boundaries that are established. Meaning, one needs to have his own life outside of whatever this relationship with this girl, actually is. Don’t always be available, have a social network outside of her, go out with other women!

In short, make your life better and more enjoyable, and stop holding on to all of these feelings. You don’t need to cut her off completely (unless you’re planning on moving on and not trying to get out of the friend zone), but just don’t make it an all the time thing, that you need to hang out with her.


A man should be constantly working on better himself and his life circumstances regardless of any woman, but self-improvement is also an important part of getting out of the friend zone.

This particular perception that the girl has of you, isn’t one that she sees as yet viable enough to date or at least have sexual interest in. Again, it isn’t always possible to attract an individual woman in particular, but since she is ‘friends ‘ with you there is at least some level of non-sexual attraction.

Now, the key is to combine that non-sexual attraction with some newly developed sexual attraction.

Remember, I said that getting out of the friend zone can take a long while, as there needs to be time to shift perceptions about you enough. So, this can involve lots of work.


Naturally, one of the most noticeable shifts in someone’s perception about you can come from one’s immediate physical appearance. Muscle mass, body fat, hair cuts, etc. can all have a dramatic effect on how you appear and are perceived as a person.

Think about the homeless guys on the street and how they look and are perceived by people as a whole versus the guy in the tailored suit. Big difference, right? Even for women, this holds true, with images of girls with and without makeup. It’s like a completely different person and they get treated as such.

Not every guy will need to be worried about this aspect, but if you need to get into better shape, and have an improved sense of style…do so.


A second shift point can within the social realm. Most likely if a guy is obsessed with one chick, it is because he has either limited options to date, or none at all. This puts men into a complete scarcity mindset, in which he is afraid to lose a girl (even if he has no romantic shot with her), because of a potential scenario where no other women will be around if she leaves.

That needs to change. Social scarcity can either be romantic or through having a lack of friends or some sort of expanded social circle of friends/acquaintances.

What does this do to improve your perception? Having more women available to date and more people vying for your time and attention creates demand.  When plenty of girls are interested in a guy, then, other girls tend to become interested…even if they already turned him down or friend zoned him.

I’ve had this happen with ex-girlfriends a lot, who hadn’t shown the slightest interest in me, after the breakup. That is until, they saw me out on the town with other women giving me attention. It didn’t even have to be women that I was dating. It could’ve been friends or random groups of women I had just met socially on the same night, my ex-girlfriends would suddenly perk up and start to pay attention.

They didn’t care about me, until they saw others paying attention to me. Once that happened, it’s like a mix of jealousy or reevaluation, to see if she missed something special when she knew me before. Yes, you can know someone for years, and just a simple shift in how you socialize can make them change how they view you.

This can be hard to pull off but it is extremely effective.


The third area to focus on is the mental side of things. This can be work related to confidence, verbal skills, getting rid of negative thought patterns, and just developing one’s personality in general.

As I’ve said, this is the most powerful aspect that a man can employ in order to attract women. A guy who has a desirable personality, confidence, etc. can cut through all of the usual social/physical barriers that usually makes it more difficult for him to get women.

People notice when someone’s life outlook, personality, and general mental well being has shifted. This can be especially true when it shifts towards the positive.

In terms of getting out of the friend zone, this mostly means getting rid of the neediness, butt hurt, and other negative aspects the guy is bringing to the interaction which is destroying the ability for any physical attraction to be sparked.

Immediate things that can be done, are self evaluations about negative thought patters one may have, meditation, reading to gain perspective on life, becoming less egocentric, and letting go trying to control the outcome of things.

Wrapping Up

Getting out of the friend zone with a girl can be a long and difficult process but it can be done.

In order to pull it off, a man has to be able to shift the perception of himself, to one that is more conducive to being desirable. Begging, pleading, or trying to logic or ‘friendship’ your way into having her become attracted simply doesn’t work.

Also, what’s been done up to this point, hasn’t worked either. So, the situation calls for a complete shift in strategy. One in which, the man becomes an attractive romantic candidate, by shattering the old preconceived notions about himself.

Get Your Ex-Girlfriend Back

How to Make Your Ex-Girlfriend Regret Cheating On You

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There are plenty of relationships out there that have been doomed by cheating. When one finds out that his girlfriend cheated on him with someone else, this creates a world of hurt and strong emotions. Naturally, after a period of time, the man wants to know that his now ex-girlfriend will regret that decision and feel bad about losing what she once had. So, what’s the best way to make an ex-girlfriend feel pangs of regret? Should you even bother?



What’s the Goal?

Okay, you’ve been cheated on, and now you have the notion in your head that you need to make your ex-girlfriend regret doing so. May I raise the question as to why you want to make this happen?

I mean, I get it, it can feel good to show someone up or have an ‘I told you so’ moment…but what is it actually going to accomplish for you?

Cheating in relationships happens a lot. Trust me. From both my personal experience and from running this website, cheating is not a rare occurrence and you’re definitely not alone in your feelings towards it.

However, why do you honestly want to direct your life’s energy towards getting some real or perceived feelings of revenge or superiority against someone? She showed you her true colors by cheating, which got you out of a relationship that was going to break bad eventually. Now you have the freedom to pursue what you really want.

I know, I know, telling a guy who has been cheated on not to want to make his ex feel massive regret about it, probably isn’t going to work. BUT I will say that, the way to make her regret cheating is actually the same thing you should be doing after a break up and throughout your life anyway.


Success is the Best Revenge


There is this really strange psychological dynamic between the two parties after a break up occurs. It is a notion that someone has to ‘win’ the break up. Meaning, one person has to do better in terms of their lives and/or the person they decide to date next. A lot of women refer to this as ‘upgrading’ to another man, who they perceives as being of higher value than their ex-boyfriend.

I cannot even fully describe how much I hate this concept and yet how much I have to encounter it. In my view, the broken relationship is like a time capsule of the period of time in which it lasted. Yes, they may be a horrible fit for you now, but they were once great (in at lest some aspects). Would I want to now date girls that I dated in college? Hell no, but they were a good fit for me back then. People change and I don’t have the need to hold a grudge against them for it, even when it ended poorly.

Back to the stirring up of regret in an ex. Now, because people have the need to ‘win’ the break up, the best way to make the regret or get revenge or whatever is to improve your life and future prospects beyond what they thought you were capable of.

Understand that people will always form judgments about you and who they think you are and have the potential to become. When one doesn’t conform to those expectations, it is a blow to the other person’s ego, because they were wrong. If they could be wrong about that, then there is a good chance that they were wrong about cheating or destroying the relationship with you. It’s kind of like selling a stock, right before it triples in value, and then having to deal with the fact you missed out on all of the upside.

So, in order to stir up feelings of regret in her, you should focus on your life and goals. Go out and fucking crush it. Get your career and business going into high gear. Get in better shape. Get more dating options. Work on your self-esteem and feel great everyday.

People are naturally comparative. Most likely, she’ll pretty much be doing the same things a year from now, and her life will seem stagnant when looking toward yours. Don’t think she’ll notice, if your life is amazing without her? Of course she will.

Now, with this being said, I still think you should let go of the idea of wanting to make her regret cheating. Accept it and move forward. Focus your energy on you and not trying to make her feel something. Simply as a byproduct of doing the things you want to improve in your life, she’ll notice and feel regret anyway and you won’t have to carry around all the negativity.


A Quick Note

It is indeed possible that she already feels massive regret and guilt about cheating. Even when it appears she doesn’t, that might just be a front, and deep down she knows that it was wrong. People make mistakes and while you don’t have to forgive them, there’s no need to waste your time and try to make an ex-girlfriend express regret either. Try to close that chapter of your life and don’t let her come back, even if she wants to fix things. The short-term of getting cheated on sucks but you don’t need to let it dictate your long-term future or self-worth.


Get Your Ex-Girlfriend Back

Feel Confident After Being Dumped by Girlfriend

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Getting dumped by a woman is a complete shock to one’s psychological and emotional systems. Not only does it bring one down and create a sense of longing for ‘better’ times, it can also raise doubts internally, about a man’s self-worth or how confident he should feel in his dating life going forward. Obviously, there are differing levels of impact on confidence. For some guys, it’s just a mere setback, while others experience complete destruction. A guy can also experience different hits to his confidence based on what girl in particular broke up with him and how long the relationship lasted. So, while we all know how it feels to have our confidence devastated post-breakup, how does a man begin to have confidence again? Does one need to start from scratch and build it back up or is there another way?


The Fundamentals


The absolutely fundamental problem that most men have with their confidence is that it is almost entirely based on external factors.

What this means is that, when things are going well in life or when you had success or gotten a woman, you feel great. Really, you should feel great, as there are certainly pleasant experiences in life.

The problem comes into play when we tend to tie in these positive emotions into who we are (or more precisely, who we perceive ourselves to be). So, if we have social or business success, we feel good and then identify that positive boost to our self-esteem with being successful. Obviously, this creates a cycle of needing positive events or external validation to continue to have this level of confidence. Plus, whenever we get a negative experience (like being dumped), it immediately crushes us.

So, our lives then become this roller coaster of self-image. We ascend during the perceived good times and then come down with the full force of gravity during the perceived bad times.

If you get stuck in this paradigm, the only way out of it (and create confidence), is by chasing positive experiences. But as we’ve all experienced, it’s not a very stable way of going about things, and the lows can be extraordinary tough to get through.


Coming Off of a Crash

It’s getting closer to 10 years now, since I had my last major crash in confidence. In fact, it was the worst one I ever experienced, and forced me to have to change the way I dealt with confidence, self-image, etc.

There was no other way around it. I was highly depressed, could barely function in life, and began thinking of ending it all. I wrote about this experience in my book, Game without Games, and detailed how things fell apart for me.

I had grown up without very high self-esteem, which also meant few social and romantic opportunities, which fed into the low self-esteem. Later, I learned game (how to pick up women), and started to experience a lot of success. For a while, I felt amazing, my confidence got this huge boost based almost entirely on getting positive external validation from women.

Naturally, this wasn’t sustainable confidence. It was in fact, a complete fraud, there was no actual confidence. I learned this the hard way during the crash, when I had gotten dumped by two consecutive women, was broke, had no real future, and was almost flunking out of college.

For months, I sunk lower and lower, until I completely bottomed out during winter break that year. It was during these dark times, that I began to understand the problems with the popular notions of what confidence is.

Reading Stoic philosophy books, eventually allowed me to pull out of the negativity spiral and sort of reset my brain. The depression/sadness really wasn’t there anymore but for over a year, I felt very little emotion, and essentially rebuilt every aspect of my life. This metamorphosis shaped how I now approach confidence and has allowed me to let go of all of that old emotional baggage.


The False Internal Confidence

So, chasing external validation in order to gain confidence is a constant up and down experience. In fact, this is what gets us to this low point after a break up. This then leads to the other common aspect of trying to boost one’s confidence: having a high opinion of oneself in your own mind.

Now, while having a positive view of yourself is obviously a better option than having a low opinion, it is still flawed and can become quite out of touch with reality. I’m fairly sure that each of us has encountered someone, who has utterly convinced themselves of their own ‘greatness’.

They’ve amped up their own self-worth in their mind to unreal heights and then export that to the external world…which gets labeled as confidence, arrogance, egotism, etc. This method leads to a delusional sort of interaction with the world, in which any negative feedback or criticism is dismissed or ignored.

To me, basing your confidence on external sources is like constructing your confidence into a class mirror. It is easily shattered and difficult to pick up the pieces. Going the internal delusion route is like building a brick wall of confidence. Sure, it’s harder to penetrate, but it can still be busted through if the feedback you’re experiencing is bad enough.


Moving to Acceptance and True Confidence

I think that many people misconstrue self-confidence or social confidence with that of a skill based activity. We say that you must ‘build’ self-confidence, as if it is something that needs to be constructed, instead of being inherent in who we are.

For instance, if someone were to hand me a bow and arrow and told me to hit a target, I would not be confident in the outcome of that event. I might get lucky and pull off a positive result but I don’t have the requisite skills to have a high level of confidence. However, this use of the word confidence is not the same, as the one we are discussing here. As such, the prescription for improving confidence should not be entirely the same.

Technique training and practice would solve my archery practice, but not help me be at ease with my internal self. This is true at least past a certain point, as their may be some learning and practice required to truly internalize and make a shift on how self-confidence is viewed.

For me, I boiled down my lack of self-confidence to a non-acceptance of what is. Meaning, I was always chasing or trying to live up to a narrative of what me and my life needed to be instead of just allowing it to be. So, if I didn’t have a girlfriend, I felt like a loser or like I wasn’t ‘enough’.

I realized more and more how approaching my life in this way was having absolutely terrible results. Why in the hell did I need to become something in order to feel normal? Why was it that when I reached a certain level of social or financial success, I could still feel inadequate? Why should I keep believing this narrative in my mind about what I need to do to feel confidence, if it keeps leading me astray? What if I were to stop following these old ideas and just accept the fact that I am enough as is and don’t need to keep chasing some vague ideal self?

Learning to accept each moment of my life as it came about was a huge and life altering shift in perspective. I no longer needed anything to feel confident because I just trusted that I was already enough. Sure, I could make my life more enjoyable and pleasurable by having a girlfriend or getting a lot of dates or making money or whatever…but they were no longer requirements that I had to fulfill in order to be content with my self.

It’s a freeing experience because once you accept that you’re enough, you become free to explore the world around you without reservation. Criticism and rejection don’t make you feel low or terrible about life because there isn’t an attachment to some narrative in your head about what you’re ‘supposed’ to be.

You simply exist and can determine whether criticism is legit or if it is simply someone projecting their problems on to you or trying to hurt your feelings. You no longer internalize these supposed negative experiences, as there isn’t a self-image or narrative that you need to protect.

And, no, it doesn’t make you lazy or stop striving in life. On the contrary, I’ve gotten better results in every area of my life since the shift, because I can be completely honest with myself. I don’t have to deny reality in order to spare my feelings. If things aren’t going well with women or in social interactions, I can make adjustments to how I approach things, and not fly into a depressive episode because “nobody likes me”. It’s more of an “Oh, I should probably speak slower and more clearly in future conversations” or “Try to listen more and be more empathetic with others”.

It’s an amazing way to live because you start to get good at the things you do at a much faster rate.


The Post-Breakup

It gets lonely sometimes

It gets lonely sometimes

The unique part of the time period after getting dumped, is having to deal with the strong emotions. These are going to be there no matter what, since our brain likes to develop an addiction like attachment to our girlfriends, and so we experience these intense withdrawals.

While the physical sensations will still be there, we don’t have to follow the negative thought patterns that seem to accompany the intense emotions. I always like to disrupt the negative thought as it arises and then question its validity. Why am I thinking this way? What purpose it is serving? Is it only reinforcing this low confidence narrative?

Things can become much easier to deal with once you can recognize thoughts as simply thoughts and not take them as some sort of gospel truth. Our mind can lead us down rabbit holes and have us endlessly repeat the past, even when it serves no actual learning purpose…it’s like a TV show playing on a loop, at some point it’s been enough and time to move on.

Here are some posts about the post-breakup period:


Where to Start?

In order to let go and accept things as they are, one has to be able to constantly recognize and let go of the thought patterns which help cause poor confidence. Daily meditation is the best way that I have found to pull myself out of the internal narrative and view things from a more objective point of view.

The daily shift in my mindset is what allowed me to really make the change in perspective permanent and then no longer need the constant validation to derive some confidence. There are plenty of guided meditations on YouTube and other platforms that can get you started. It can take some time to fully take hold and shift one’s perspective, but it can be totally worth it in the long-term.

Get Your Ex-Girlfriend Back

How to Get Over an Ex-Girlfriend You Have to See Everyday

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The time after a break up is obviously pretty tough. If it wasn’t, you wouldn’t be online searching topics about it, and instead be watching some random YouTube clips. It can be doubly hard to deal with, when you have to see an ex-girlfriend on a regular basis. Sometimes, we dated someone that we work with, go to school with, or have a lot of common social connections and avoidance becomes super difficult. Fear not, I am going to reveal the main tool that I use to not only deal with having to see someone each day, but even getting to the point where it causes zero bother. Oh and it helps in the rest of your social life, as well.



The Object vs. The Concept

Why is it painful or aggravating to have to see an ex-girlfriend all of the time after a break up?

Is it due to her actual physical presence being around you? Nope.

It has nothing at all to do with her. Rather, it has everything to do with how you view her in your mind.

Think about it. If you suffered some sort of amnesia or short-term memory loss, an ex-girlfriend could sit right next to you, and it would have none of the same effect that it currently does. It once again, has nothing to do with her, and is all in how your mind is perceiving and making judgments of her and the past relationship.

This is a huge breakthrough to come upon because you no longer have to ‘get away’ from an ex, in order to feel good about your day to day life. You can see them at work or school or socially and be completely indifferent about it.

What you actually must do is to learn to let go off the conceptions that you have of her and the attachment to the now defunct relationship. Once this is achieved, you get some serious mental freedom, and zero fucks given if she is around or not.


Letting Go of the Concept

A lot of other people will suggest that you distract yourself or turn your attention towards someone else. To me, that doesn’t really help at all. You then, just allow attachments to grow for another girl or you just bury feelings in work or some other distraction.

I have found that the only true way to let go is through meditation techniques. Also, you can supplement this with readings in Stoic philosophy, if you really choose to do so.

People inexperienced with mindfulness meditation and breathing techniques can often not see how such a practice would benefit them. It doesn’t have to involve any religious aspect or mysticism. Meditation can be used to clear one’s mind, let go of negative emotions, and stop the stream of thoughts that can make a guy feel trapped that he has to see his ex-girlfriend.

Not only that, meditation can begin to effect every other part of your life in a positive way. For me, it allowed me to fully let go of my anger issues, depressed feelings, and always having to compare myself to other people.

Socially, it allowed me to stop feeling so self-conscious and helped tremendously when approaching/picking up women. When you meditate on a regular basis, you reach such clear and vibrant states of mind, it becomes very difficult to become flustered by life. If you can play it cool around women, their attraction towards you will often go through the roof.

You stop having the same level of attachment to things or thoughts. You no longer feel as if you need to chase or follow your thoughts down a rabbit hole. In terms of having to see an ex-girlfriend, this means a reduction of: worrying about what she thinks of you, reminiscing about old times, feeling desperate longing to get back together, etc.

Again, I know a lot of people who have preconceptions about meditation or don’t get why it is helpful…but it can be an absolute game-changer. It can take time to properly learn how to focus one’s mind, so stick with it, and the benefits will come.


Get Started

Since I can’t really teach you directly, how to meditate. I am instead going to post a number of videos that I’ve used and continue to refer back to. Using guided mediations can be useful at first, like training wheels, until you become comfortable doing everything on your own.

The great thing about mediation techniques is that they can be done at any time, eventually. You have to first learn how to do it, but as your practice deepens, you can bring yourself into the present moment even in a loud/crowded room. I do brief meditations to focus myself all the time, even when in a bar, and I have to go approach some woman that I’m interested in.

I literally cannot stress enough to you, how much making mediation a regular practice, made my social anxieties drop away. This has been my greatest freedom.

I am going to start off with the first two videos. They are short and I use them back to back, when I can’t seem to focus myself. Both techniques start about midway through each video, so, the actual meditation/breathing techniques should last 12-15 minutes combined.

Start off doing these twice a day, if possible. Either once in the morning or at night. Or right before you have to see the ex or go out and socialize. If not, just find time when you can do it, and be consistent.


I cant embed the second video, but here is the YouTube link: Kim Eng Guided Breathing Meditation


Both of the first two videos are short and allow a letting go to take place by focusing on the breath.  Once comfortable and seeing progress with those two videos, you can move on to a longer meditation session (or just do one of these later in the day, if you have time).



There you have it. These should get one started on the path and allow for a significant reduction in the obsessive thoughts, if not an outright freedom from the mental anguish of seeing an ex-girlfriend on a daily basis. If you can change or alleviate the thoughts about a person, their presence around you will have very little negative effect. I’ve used this for many years now, with amazing personal success…so hopefully it helps others too.

Get Your Ex-Boyfriend Back

How to Get Over Your Ex-Boyfriend Sleeping with Someone Else

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After a break up it isn’t uncommon for people to still have feelings for their exes. Now, these feelings can become intensified by the thoughts of their ex-boyfriends or girlfriends being romantically and/or sexually involved with someone else (sometimes this is all in their imagination and their ex is still single!). Once you have spent so much time with one person and have had an extremely close and intimate relationship with them, it can feel absolutely awful to see them developing that connection with another woman. For some folks, this scenario can absolutely become an unbearable reality from which that have a difficult time letting go and moving on from. How can one accept their ex-boyfriend sleeping with someone new and move forward with their life?




Jealousy and Ego

Win ex back now

Sexual jealousy and emotional turmoil is pretty interesting when we think about an ex. Like, when the two of you met, your ex-boyfriend probably wasn’t a virgin (maybe he was) but we tend not to have the same negative obsessiveness about the people that he had sex with before you. It really doesn’t cross our radars as much because he is, after all with you now. The people in the past, prior to your relationship, really aren’t that big of a deal.

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When the breakup takes place and he starts to sleep with other women, why does it suddenly bother you more? Him having sex with someone new doesn’t diminish you as a woman. It doesn’t negate the previous relationship that you had with him, as it’s already taken place in the past and played out fully. In reality, what is there to be bothered about? Much of this problem occurs when comparison between yourself and the new women come about. Once you start to think of yourself in competition with someone else, how are you ever going to let go of these intense emotions?

There is also this extreme sense of ownership that one tends to get with an ex-boyfriend. This faulty notion of him, ‘being mine’, which is completely false. People are not possessions. They are independent beings, who may choose to become involved in a mutually beneficial relationship, with another person. There was a time after all, before the two of you had ever met, and he was seeing other women. Would you care about it then? No. Why? He was just some random guy and not something that was ‘yours’…you didn’t have the illusion of possession.

Get to the Core

One way to deal with and get past the emotional jealousy that one can feel when thinking about an ex-boyfriend sleeping with another woman is to reduce it to its base. Utilize the reductionist mode of thinking to break these thoughts down into clinical terms. What is actually occurring? A man sticks his penis inside a vagina, where is skin comes into contact with her. Friction occurs from thrusting in and out until finally there is an intense spasming and some goo shoots out. That’s it. That’s what we get so many bad feelings about.

Is it really all that upsetting that he is doing that with someone else?

Once you have taken the thought of the act itself down to the base, begin to do the same with the emotions. How is this sexual act by two people (who aren’t you) harming me? Does him having sex, reduce your value as a woman? Does this negate your previous relationship? Does your ex-boyfriend having a new lover somehow stop you from finding another romance for yourself? Will you even care about this in six months? A year? Ten years?

The pain and anguish in the short-term occurs because of the attachment we’ve grown towards that person plus the narrative in our minds about them and the previous relationship. All these thoughts and memories play back on a constant loop and stir up emotions that we’ve have attached to them. This has a snowball effect, the more we think about it and attach emotions to them, the stronger these memories and feelings become. We completely buy into whatever story our minds have created about a situation whether it has any actual basis in reality or not.

What this Boils Down to

The key is not to just grit it out or cope with these feelings. The key is to become aware of them as they bubble up and not let them take control of yourself. Recognize the anger or other feeling when it arises. Observe it. Are you that anger? Do you have to let it ‘become’ who you are? Can you observe this feeling, recognize where it is coming from, feel it, and then let it go? Don’t become a victim in your own mind, even if it’s justified, as it will only serve to create another story in your head which will loop continuously and drag you down with it. It is easier to get angry or depressed about these things but letting them go is a much more effective way to deal with them.