The friend zone is a dreaded no man’s land of the male/female interaction. A guy gets to be close to a woman, but doesn’t get to the next level with her. He isn’t rejected outright like other guys in her life, however, he doesn’t get to enjoy the intimacy that she allows with the guys that she actually dates. It’s a place where you’re stuck in an unrequited pseudo-relationship, with a girl who doesn’t seem to ever have that same attraction…but she still wants you around. The question is obvious, how does a guy get out of the friend zone? Can the relationship dynamic be changed fast?
Is It Possible to Get Out of the Friend Zone?
Short answer: Yes.
Longer answer: Yes, but it can be quite difficult and takes time to pull off. Plus, there is no guarantee of success. As such, a man could put forth a whole lot of time and effort towards getting out of the friend zone, and still be no better off months later.
In my mind, the ‘effort’ to getting out of the friend zone, produces great results both socially and with other women in general. So, even if the girl a guy wants to get with never happens, he is in a fabulous spot either way.
The Type of ‘Friendship’ We’re Talking Here
Not all friend zone situations are the same. In this post, I want to get into that unrequited type of admiration or love or whatever you want to label it as. The situation in which the man desperately wants the girl he is ‘friends’ with, has made overtures toward her, and gets romantically rejected. Then, he is stuck with a girl he wants something more with, but doesn’t want him as anything more than a ‘buddy’.
If you’re looking to get out of the friend zone with an ex-girlfriend, I wrote about that here: Ex-Girlfriend Just Wants to be Friends
There are other situations in which the guy thinks he is stuck with the girl, but actually isn’t, and times where he just hasn’t tested the waters yet. Sometimes, a girl in your social circle will actually like you and want to get with you BUT she won’t make the first move (she doesn’t want to be rejected). In that situation, if you want her, you need to make things happen.
Again, I am going to be focusing on the first scenario, in this post.
The Fundamental Problem that Needs to Be Resolved
One of the most basic principles that I put forth in terms of dating, is this: Attraction is Perception
If one is not getting sexual attraction from women, it is a problem of how that man is being perceived. Change the perception and you can change the level of attraction. (Side note: I wrote a whole Amazon Kindle book, on how I personally did this, to go from never having a girlfriend to having options whenever I wanted: Game without Games
Now, when I say this, I am speaking in terms of the general population. For example, if you were to get in ridiculous physical shape, more women would become attracted to you than had been previously. Yet, even with this being true, there would still be some for which the change didn’t move the needle all that much.
You can’t change the perception of every single woman enough to have an attraction towards you. However, you can for a whole lot of them. I would assume in most cases, that a girl who is friends with you, has some level of non-romantic attraction to you. One would then, simply need to stoke that desire within her to make her view you as a viable romantic/sexual partner.
A huge caveat to this, is if you’re dealing with a manipulative woman, who keeps guys around just to use them. For our purposes, I’m going to keep to the assumption that this is not the case, but guys do need to get hip to this possibility.
Back to perception and attraction.
How a man is perceived can have a many magnitude impact on how he is treated within the sexual marketplace. I’ve used this example before, of a man who is a great musician, but who keeps his songs to himself and lets no one else hear them. If this man, walks into a bar, will he get attraction from the ladies? Maybe. Unless, he is some super good looking guy, it probably won’t be an overwhelming one. Heck, he can be wealthy too, but nobody knows it by looking at him.
Okay, so, take the same exact scenario but only change the fact that this man has released his music to the public. He scores multiple Top 10 hits from it and he is now has ‘celebrity’. Nothing has changed about who he is, just other’s perception of him. Does he get more female attraction? Of course! The notoriety completely shifts the perception and the attraction follows.
In the second scenario, he would have as many women as he wanted (presumably), but there’s nothing different about who he is as a person. He is just now ‘more’ attractive because of the incredible power of social status and its effect on the human brain.
Within our society, celebrity is potentially the greatest variable in changing perception, and could have almost overnight changes in the level of attraction. While this isn’t an option for most of us, we can still change perceptions on a smaller scale, in order to (possibly) get the attraction of a woman we desire. Meaning, we can use perception of ourselves to crawl out of the friend zone.
How the Friend Zoned Man is Perceived
The man who is stuck in the friend zone is viewed as not a sexually viable option for the woman. Yes, sometimes sex can occur between the two, but it’s usually doled out due to pity or the guy in the friend zone happened to be the only option that night when she was horny. Right place, right time.
The guy doesn’t give her those body tingles and overwhelming urges that the men that she actually wants to date do. The friend zoned man is almost an androgynous character in her eyes, not quite male nor is he a female either. He is a nice, stable option to spend time with, have platonic fun with, and sometimes complain to about the other men that she is actually dating or sleeping with. Anything beyond that garners a response of, “Oh, you’re like a brother to me”.
It’s quite a weird relationship to be in. Like, a man might have women in his social circle that he is friendly with, goes to events together and such; yet there isn’t this other level of being in a sexual purgatory.
Yes, I tie it all to sexual attraction because that is what it boils down to. If a woman wants to sleep with a man, has that intense sexual attraction, she will put up with a lot in order to get it. This is one of the reasons that you see so many girls with guy’s who you would consider to be ‘jerks’ or ‘bad boys’, they give her those special tingles. Androgynous friend zone guys do not. Even if the girl is a virgin, she will still have the strong attraction to the guy who makes her want to have sex, and not the goofy guy she’s friends with.
I don’t think many guys fathom, the true sexual nature, and levels of desire that women have. I mean, even if I hadn’t dated any women during my life, just living in apartments with thin walls, would’ve tipped me off to how much sex/masturbation chicks have. This sort of pedestal worship or idealization of women, can cause a lot of problems in your dating life, but a full discussion is beyond the scope of this post.
The basics of getting out of this situation, is to alter the perceptions about oneself, in order to be regarded as a ‘desirable’ man. A woman has no need to date a man who not only does give her those sexual feelings but also acts like a good little lap dog, who is always at her beck and call.
Here is an on point and funny overview of the ‘Time Ho’ situation, from comedian Patrice O’Neal (my post continues below the embeded video):
Essentially, it is a one sided game. The woman is getting everything she wants from that particular man. Meanwhile, the man is keeping up the facade of being ‘just friends’ with the girl, when that isn’t what he wants at all. He in actuality, either wants to date her or just have sex with her, but is afraid to lose the access he has to spend time with this woman. Thus, the impasse, and feeling like you’re stuck in the friend zone.
The only two ways that I’ve been able to see out of such an impasse are to walk away from this situation (yes, you may have to let go of your ‘friend’) or to alter the perceptions about you that females in general have towards you, and spark the attraction that you want.
Getting Out of the Friend Zone
As I wrote above, one way out, and the easiest way is to simply stop chasing and walk away (or at least not act like a lap dog and go have your own romantic life outside of this chick). Isn’t it bad to give up on something? Not necessarily. This is especially the case if you’re chasing a woman, simply because the woman has hurt your pride, through this constant low level rejection.
It’s just another sunk cost fallacy, “I’ve spent so much time and effort trying to get with this girl, quitting now would be crazy. I’m probably really close to making something happen!”
At some point, it just becomes ridiculous. What is so damn special about one girl? Now, she may be the best person ever, but the odds are that this really isn’t the case. What about other women? There are billions of them, after all. None of the others, could provide the same level of satisfaction or joy, as this one lady?
I don’t know whether or not this path would be correct for you personally, but I simply ask that you weigh your options, and give it a full consideration.
All right, so here we are. In order to shift the perceptions about ourselves and get out of the friend zone, we have to understand a little bit about what makes men attractive to women.
Most guys when asked what women look for in a guy, will answer the usual: looks, money, confidence, etc. Plus, they will usually take it as if you don’t have one of those things, then no woman will ever date you. Not the case.
I’ll assume that most guys reading this have grown up playing video games. Whether it is a sports game or an RPG, characters in the game will often have ratings. So, for instance, in Madden or FIFA, a player may be rated 0-99 in speed. This is a player attribute.
In the dating market, men have attribute ratings too. How one fairs in each of these categories will determine how many women are attracted to him. So, yes, one can be extremely good looking and get women based off of that. Just like a faster athlete will be preferable in those sports video games.
However, while you can get attraction based off a single attribute, who a man is in totality will determine his ‘dating success’ with the general female population as a whole. Just like in the game, you may want the fastest athlete, but if he has no other skill set…he’s almost useless. I’ve known plenty of really good looking guys, who got dumped constantly because they either had nothing else going on, or were just awful at expressing their positive attributes.
What a man can do to increase the amount of women that he attracts, is to improve every aspect that makes up who he is, to the best of his ability (before diminishing returns sets in). One gets better in all aspects in order to attract the greatest possible number of women, while each individual woman, will weigh each individual attribute to her personal tastes…this is why you get materialistic gold diggers versus women who really don’t care much about money.
So when guys ask, “Do looks matter?” The answer is yes…to an extent. That extent is determined by that individual woman’s tastes, but among females in general, a good looking man will get more women attracted to him. It’s just common sense. Everything matters, it’s just a changing weighting of importance, on a individual level.
Beyond that, there is also the temporal importance of attributes. Meaning, looks and status, can matter a great deal more in the short term of a relationship and also in the short-lived ‘hook-up’ type relationships than they do in long-term stable relationships.
The most powerful attribute that I have seen or employed myself in getting the initial attraction for any type of relationship, is the personality. No BS here, but a guy who has every aspect of his personality fine tuned, is an absolute machine in terms of attraction. Charisma is extremely potent and why certain folks can walk into a room and just instantly change the entire mood (for the better or worse).
Whether one attempts to attract the girl that put him in the friend zone or not, he still must let go of those hyper attachments he has to her. All of the thoughts about her being ‘the one’ or put on a pedestal, have to go.
Why? This is because he is coming from a place of lower value. He doesn’t offer the girl anything by begging and pleading or being super ‘nice guy’. She wants to date a man that she’s attracted to and desperation is never attractive.
Right off the bat, all of the simp-ish gift buying, dinners, and being her sounding board for all of her problems needs to stop.
Hell, that’s not even a real friendship. Even if you wanted to be in a platonic friendship with this girl, the desire for her would have to be let go of, otherwise it’s just the same old friend zone.
To be more than friends, there needs to be more boundaries that are established. Meaning, one needs to have his own life outside of whatever this relationship with this girl, actually is. Don’t always be available, have a social network outside of her, go out with other women!
In short, make your life better and more enjoyable, and stop holding on to all of these feelings. You don’t need to cut her off completely (unless you’re planning on moving on and not trying to get out of the friend zone), but just don’t make it an all the time thing, that you need to hang out with her.
A man should be constantly working on better himself and his life circumstances regardless of any woman, but self-improvement is also an important part of getting out of the friend zone.
This particular perception that the girl has of you, isn’t one that she sees as yet viable enough to date or at least have sexual interest in. Again, it isn’t always possible to attract an individual woman in particular, but since she is ‘friends ‘ with you there is at least some level of non-sexual attraction.
Now, the key is to combine that non-sexual attraction with some newly developed sexual attraction.
Remember, I said that getting out of the friend zone can take a long while, as there needs to be time to shift perceptions about you enough. So, this can involve lots of work.
Naturally, one of the most noticeable shifts in someone’s perception about you can come from one’s immediate physical appearance. Muscle mass, body fat, hair cuts, etc. can all have a dramatic effect on how you appear and are perceived as a person.
Think about the homeless guys on the street and how they look and are perceived by people as a whole versus the guy in the tailored suit. Big difference, right? Even for women, this holds true, with images of girls with and without makeup. It’s like a completely different person and they get treated as such.
Not every guy will need to be worried about this aspect, but if you need to get into better shape, and have an improved sense of style…do so.
A second shift point can within the social realm. Most likely if a guy is obsessed with one chick, it is because he has either limited options to date, or none at all. This puts men into a complete scarcity mindset, in which he is afraid to lose a girl (even if he has no romantic shot with her), because of a potential scenario where no other women will be around if she leaves.
That needs to change. Social scarcity can either be romantic or through having a lack of friends or some sort of expanded social circle of friends/acquaintances.
What does this do to improve your perception? Having more women available to date and more people vying for your time and attention creates demand. When plenty of girls are interested in a guy, then, other girls tend to become interested…even if they already turned him down or friend zoned him.
I’ve had this happen with ex-girlfriends a lot, who hadn’t shown the slightest interest in me, after the breakup. That is until, they saw me out on the town with other women giving me attention. It didn’t even have to be women that I was dating. It could’ve been friends or random groups of women I had just met socially on the same night, my ex-girlfriends would suddenly perk up and start to pay attention.
They didn’t care about me, until they saw others paying attention to me. Once that happened, it’s like a mix of jealousy or reevaluation, to see if she missed something special when she knew me before. Yes, you can know someone for years, and just a simple shift in how you socialize can make them change how they view you.
This can be hard to pull off but it is extremely effective.
The third area to focus on is the mental side of things. This can be work related to confidence, verbal skills, getting rid of negative thought patterns, and just developing one’s personality in general.
As I’ve said, this is the most powerful aspect that a man can employ in order to attract women. A guy who has a desirable personality, confidence, etc. can cut through all of the usual social/physical barriers that usually makes it more difficult for him to get women.
People notice when someone’s life outlook, personality, and general mental well being has shifted. This can be especially true when it shifts towards the positive.
In terms of getting out of the friend zone, this mostly means getting rid of the neediness, butt hurt, and other negative aspects the guy is bringing to the interaction which is destroying the ability for any physical attraction to be sparked.
Immediate things that can be done, are self evaluations about negative thought patters one may have, meditation, reading to gain perspective on life, becoming less egocentric, and letting go trying to control the outcome of things.
Getting out of the friend zone with a girl can be a long and difficult process but it can be done.
In order to pull it off, a man has to be able to shift the perception of himself, to one that is more conducive to being desirable. Begging, pleading, or trying to logic or ‘friendship’ your way into having her become attracted simply doesn’t work.
Also, what’s been done up to this point, hasn’t worked either. So, the situation calls for a complete shift in strategy. One in which, the man becomes an attractive romantic candidate, by shattering the old preconceived notions about himself.