So, you went to or contacted your ex-boyfriend and begged and pleaded for him to come back into a relationship with you. Didn’t go too well, did it? The problem with this strategy of reconciliation, is that, it doesn’t solve any of the underlying issues which led to the break up and it also knocks your perceived value down a few notches…that’s not good.
Nevertheless, is it still possible to get him back after you’ve already gotten down on your knees and begged him to make it so? Yes, it is possible but that doesn’t necessarily mean that it is probable. In this post, I want to explore a bit more in depth on begging for your ex-boyfriend back and how to move forward with things after this has already happened.
I Begged Him to Take Me Back: On Perceived Value
Our perceptions define and influence so many decisions in our lives everyday. Literally, every aspect is run through our perceptive instruments (sight, touch, smell, etc) and then interpreted by our brains.
This includes how we value people, places, and things. For instance, a man in a business suit is perceived more favorably in general, than the homeless man sitting on the corner in tattered rags.
The male model with hundreds of friends, fame, financial success is more highly valued (in social terms) than the nerdy guy playing WOW all day in his parent’s basement.
This carries over to relationship dynamics and desire. After the break up, one’s ex-boyfriend may already have a lowered perceived value of you, due to circumstances involved in the causes of the break up (lying, cheating, boredom, staleness, etc).
Now, this power dynamic may shift even further, if he is the one who initiated the end of the relationship. If only one party wanted the break up to happen, then that person holds all of the cards, as they at least on some level feels as if they no longer need the partnership in their lives.
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So, post-breakup, our perceptions of our former partners can change drastically. If an ex-boyfriend has a lowered perceived value of his old girlfriend and she comes back begging for him to resume the relationship, is this going to help or hurt her chances?
Obviously, it will further diminish the perceived value of the woman in his eyes. He already is preparing to move forward (how much so depends on the man and situation), and so, he is in a situation where he knows that he can get his ex back at anytime.
Why is this bad? Human beings have a tendency to overlook people/things that are already familiar and easily obtained. It’s not exciting and it’s not a turn on to have someone grovel to make things go back to how they once were.
It makes one appear unattractive and as if they don’t have any other option (whether that is true or not). The perceived value has been greatly diminished. It can be further taken down by displaying these sorts of characteristics:
- emotional instability
- being way too available
- showing no signs of being able to move forward
As a man, I can tell you that, most of the fun and desire upon meeting someone new is involved in the whole ‘chase’, so to speak.
Finding a new girl who doesn’t know you at all and then building that attraction is like trying to solve a complex problem to us. This is why if prostitution were legal in most places, a lot of guys would never go see one, as the whole ‘chase’ is gone…it’s too easy and just doesn’t feel natural.
This same type of feeling occurs when a relationship has ended and the perceived value is lowered…there’s nothing new or exciting, she’s begging him, and he has all the power to say yes whenever he so desires.
Desperation is never attractive. It can’t be based on the dynamics of human relationships.
As such, unless an ex-boyfriend has some sort of sick mind, that loves watching a woman beg…it’s going to not work out well. The begging and pleading strategy is probably the most common one out there, and if it worked well, there’d be way more people reconciling than actually are.
Does This Relationship Even Need to Be Re-Started?
Now that we have a general overview of what begging does to one’s perceived value following a break up with an ex-boyfriend, we must consider whether or not a reconciliation is even worth pursuing.
This is the ‘move on’ question posited by this website. I do not believe that most relationships should even be attempted to be salvaged. Many are too damaged, not good enough fits, and the desire for reconciliation is just based on loneliness and fear of being alone.
This is why I always like to grieve the end of a relationship, regroup, reassess whether or not I want to get back together, and then no matter what the decision…prepare myself mentally/emotionally that the relationship is probably done for good.
Understand that: even if you want an ex back, it isn’t always a reality and one should always prep for the most likely scenario, especially when that’s something you might not want to come to pass.
This is the part where one must dig in, and try to strip away all emotional baggage to the best of one’s ability, in order to determine whether or not it is even worth getting back together.
We have a tendency to idealize a relationship once its over and that empty feeling we get inside, impels us to try to reconcile in hopes that it makes us feel better. It’s often not even the person or the relationship that we miss, just the positive emotional boost we got from it.
The main flaw with chasing a broken relationship, is that, even if it succeeds the fundamental issues which led to the break up are still lurking around.
Just because reconciliation happens doesn’t mean that everything is all good now. In fact, things generally tend to get worse after a brief ‘honeymoon’ period.
Ask yourself, what are the underlying problems with the relationship with your ex-boyfriend. Are they on him? Are some on you? What is the likelihood that either of you will change? Can you honestly say that getting back together is actually what you want? What will things look like a year from now, if you succeed? Better? The same? Worse?
If there are consistent doubts to the likelihood of success either getting back together or keeping it that way once you have or if it is truly what you want to happen…it is a very good idea to consider moving on from the relationship.
Yes, it hurts a lot and it’s naturally going to be tough. However, that’s a part of life and the lows we endure are what makes the highs we experience when we are with the right person worth it. Just because someone is a good fit for you doesn’t make them the right fit for you.
Can You Get Them Back After Begging?
The answer is a yes, but. Yes, it is possible to get him back BUT whether or not it is probable depends on a number of variables that are specific to your own situation.
I can’t answer the likelihood of reconciliation exactly but I can try to point in the right direction as to what must occur for things to get better.
First of all, it could be a long and arduous process, which is why moving on is probably the best option for most folks.
You may find that after a period of time apart from one another, you don’t even want him back.
I mean, if this isn’t your first relationship ever, can you think back to how you used to feel about another ex-boyfriend and compare that to how you feel now?
There have been several girls that I was absolutely wild about once upon a time who never even cross my mind at this point.
Time healed my emotional attachment, I grew as a person, and my needs and desires in a partner changed drastically. 22 year old me, has no bearing on how I feel in my current life, nor does any girl I dated back then.
We’ve already discussed perceived value and starting from a lowered perceived value is a tough climb to make. You’ve become more akin to the undesirable nerd in his eyes than the insanely attractive seductress…sorry, it’s not to be mean, this happens to all of us from time to time.
How much damage has been done depends on your own individual circumstances.
For some reading this, things might not be that bad and could feasibly be patched up. For others, it’s almost certainly the end of the relationship…again, this is something we all have to experience and learn to move through in our lives.
Also, it depends on factors such as whether or not you cheated or betrayed his trust. Factors like this are a huge drop in one’s value and reputation for a guy. For me, it’s an automatic deal breaker.
The guy’s life and circumstances also play into the possibility of getting back together. If he is the type to have no problem getting other women, then moving on from this relationship will be much easier.
A guy without options, might have a tendency to want to get back with a girl he’s already had a relationship with…which actually can lower his perceived value.
Raise Your Value and Change Your Behavior
Obviously, if damage has been done to how attractive one is in another’s eyes, then to have a shot of getting back with them, that trend must be reversed.
In order to do that, you must consider the factors of what makes a woman attractive to a man, and enhance them on all fronts. Again, this is something that can take a great deal of time and STILL FAIL when improved upon.
Now, we should consider:
Dealing with a guy who already knows you, he already knows the good and bad, and expects certain patterns from you based on experience. This makes it even harder to change the perception of value.
The behavior patterns that must change are the one’s I listed before…the begging, obsessiveness, neediness, jealousy, etc. All of these behaviors make people look really bad and aren’t seductive or attractive in the least.
This is yet another reason I suggest preparing to move on because when you emotionally move forward all these behaviors tend to fall away by themselves which naturally makes you more attractive.
Besides the desperate and irritating variety of behavior there are also the better types of behaviors like trying to genuinely be happy and supportive of an ex-boyfriend, even if there is no shot of getting together again. This isn’t sour grapes. This is actually loving someone and not merely being possessive of them and then calling it ‘love’.
Behavior also includes making changes in your life for the better such as: going back to school, new job, traveling, breaking out of a stale routine, etc.
Don’t do it just to do it but it can be a great idea after a relationship to begin to explore new things and take on new challenges.
It can also be very attractive, as there is no desperation present. The focus is on you and creating a wonderful life and not on him and trying to hold on to the past.
Physically, alterations can take place like getting yourself into fantastic shape or switching up to a better personal style. Physical changes are most noticeable at first and can be quite a shock…if they’re for the better! Not just some weird look the reeks of being desperate for attention.
Finally, there is the social aspect. Being desired by others will get people’s attention who otherwise might no longer have any interest.
Think about it, if your ex was surrounded by a bunch of other women, wouldn’t that make you want him more on some level?
Of course. It’s natural supply and demand. The same reason you can slap a designer logo on a plain t-shirt and charge $50+, the perception of value is much higher, even if there is nothing inherently different about it.
I tend to try to date other women after a break up because it naturally reminds me that their are other options out there for me and it helps me move forward. That’s what I suggest doing it for.
It can also, however, make you seem more attractive to an ex because if other people want to date you or even just be your friends, it can make someone second guess and think that they might have missed something special about you.
Remember that men like to chase, if he has no reason to pursue you, he isn’t going to. Ultimately, the dynamic must be flipped so that you are the one who is desired and not the one who is begging and pleading. This is why it’s such a tough nut to crack.
No Contact After Begging to Get Him Back?
Obviously, the one aspect that definitely needs to be changed in this scenario, is the begging.
The best way to accomplish this, is by going no contact for a period of time, usually a month or two will suffice.
If you’re not talking to him, you’re no longer pushing him away or turning him off, with the pleading to reconcile. Instead, you are taking the time to work on yourself, and get better as a person regardless of whether the relationship is saved or not.
The No Contact Rule is used to calm the emotional turmoil, give one another space, and clarity about what the future should be like. Not desperately trying to rekindle the past, but to create something that will be better in the future.
Also, time can help to erase some of the desperation that lingers over you, in his mind. I remember a long time ago, begging one of my ex-girlfriends, and her having no interest. Then, I went hard no contact (I actually decided to move on with my life), and a few months later she reached out to me.
It was as if she had no memory, of my former desperation to get her back. Time had robbed it of all importance. The images that people have in their minds about you, aren’t always fixed, and the negative can be forgotten when compared to the good.
Remember that, the no contact period is as much about you, as it is about not bothering him. In conjunction with not texting or calling or trying to see him, you are, improving yourself and attempting to make things good enough for him to want to come back.
Once this time period is over with and you feel as though, you have made progress on your goals, then contact can be re-established. From there, it might be a slower build to feel out, whether or not he’d be open to seeing you. If so, then perhaps a date can occur, or at least some sort of meeting to clear the air.
What’s the first move?
After No Contact, contact needs to be re-started, in order to try and start a new relationship out of the ashes of the old. Back in the day, this may have meant having to call someone, and risk getting hung up on or a super awkward conversation.
Nowadays, thanks to widespread technology, text messaging can serve as a more gentle approach. Think about it, if a man gets a call out of the blue, he may not be in the mood right then to talk.
With texts, he can not want to talk at that moment, but may have a change of heart later on. There is no real pressure to respond, but it is a low bar to step over, and takes less than a minute to do so.
This is great. We want to make it as easy as possible, for the other person to respond, and give them the time to full consider re-opening communication. Beyond that, text messaging gives you the time to craft the right message, and get across your intentions without any potential emotional baggage or interference.
Here is relationship expert Michael Fiore. explaining texts as a form of communication for relationships:
Hopefully, you took the opportunity to download the two free reports towards the top of the post, which explain some things that you absolutely shouldn’t do when texting your ex-boyfriend. Both of which were written by Mr. Fiore as an introduction to his “Text Your Ex Back”.
Text Your Ex Back is a full mp3 audio and ebook program which has helped thousands of people reignite things with their exes by following Michael Fiore’s advice.
He has been on a number of shows including Rachel Ray’s to discuss his methods for romance. It’s great because you can get started right away, try out the methods, and get your money back if you’re not satisfied.