Get Over Getting Dumped
Break-ups are not always easy. It’s not just the initial stage after the demise of a relationship that is bad either, sometimes, the lingering after effects of losing that part of your life can have a negative impact on how you live. Unfortunately, break-ups and getting dumped is a part of the dating world, if you put yourself out there, you take that chance. Learning to move on from what is now the past is an important skill to have in life, otherwise, you can end up one of those sad people who are stuck permanently in their minds with events which happened years ago. This process isn’t necessarily forgetting someone completely, though with time, one pretty much will stop thinking so much about someone. This process is about getting one’s life back on track and moving beyond the current heartache and the ultimate fear of losing someone from one’s life. Letting go and moving on is the only way that someone can get themselves together and help to stop the pain and constant sadness or anger that one feels post-relationship. In this post, I am going to lay out the ways in which one can help themselves get over an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend and become a stronger person.
Before I get into the different actionable steps that can be taken to help move on, I want to write briefly about self-esteem and perceived value. A person’s value is not determined by a relationship or a lack of a relationship. Both people generally are at fault when a relationship fails, even when cheating is involved. One of the major problems I recognized in my younger self was that I put too much of how I would view who I am as a person into the relationship. Meaning, I became addicted to the external validation and attention from my girlfriends. I thought that being in a relationship was supposed to make me happy. Later I realized, that, only I can make myself happy and that if I rely on others as my sole source of good feelings, then I will always end up miserable. Once they take away those positively reinforced feelings, I am sad and angry and searching for answers on how to get them back. I now feel that it is only when you are truly happy with yourself and the other person is too, that a relationship can ever be successful. Otherwise, there seems to be too much co-dependent behavior or one person always searching for that next ‘high’ of feeling good about themselves, even if that means cheating on their partners. Anyways, I just wanted to put that out there before all of the following.
Look, after a break up, it is perfectly normal to feel really bad about it. The emotional levels can be off of the charts and something that you’re not used to. The first stage of moving on past something is to face this emotional pain and let yourself feel it. This is about acceptance. Accepting that the relationship is over and is the time to get your emotions out in a healthy way. Crying if need be, etc. In the past, I have actually set time aside each day in the aftermath of a break up, just to feel bad about things and think to myself. I would hide my phone and any other form of communication, so that I wouldn’t be tempted to contact my ex, and just let myself grieve in a way. This doesn’t mean that you should do this for months on end, it means that for a short while, you should allow yourself to heal.
Move On to the Positive
On the flipside of things, I also liked to set aside time each day where I could just be positive or at least try to be. Eventually, I eliminate all of the time I allow myself to feel sad as mentioned above, and replace it with activities that are positive and move my life forward. This could be as simple as reading motivational material, going for walks, hitting the gym, or working on a personal project that you feel passionate about. You can’t wallow and feel bad about things forever, and if that’s all you ever do, then you’ll end up reinforcing that behavior and get stuck in a cycle of bad feelings. Moving on is about acceptance and then positive growth as a person.
Knock the Pedestal from Your Mind
When someone is gone, it is easy to idealize and remember only the good times, because you miss them so much. However, if the relationship failed then that means there were definite problems, even if you’re not aware of what those were. Maybe you both just grew apart or someone cheated. Either way, don’t idealize the other person as some sort of perfect person who was the only one for you. They may have been great but they’re not perfect and with 7 billion people on the planet there is almost surely a better fit out there. I know it’s tough to hear at the time but I remember how intense I have felt about girls in the past and how I have since moved and grown so much that I rarely if ever think about them. Our paths have diverged so much, that, even if we ever were to get back together, it would never last because we have become such different people. In life, things are always changing and relationships come and go.
Their Feelings Are NOT Your Feelings
Understand that: your ex is an individual with their own thoughts and feelings. As such, you will never have total control over whether or not you get back together. The relationship changed to such an extent that a break up was necessary. In their minds, they might have already decided to move on completely. They may still care about and love you but be ready to move on with their lives, even if you aren’t. Accept that things are different and that even if reconciliation were to happen, you wouldn’t be entering the same relationship as before.
Acceptance also means that you also accept their choices and don’t interfere. If they are seeing someone else, it is their choice! Stop comparing yourself to their new beau or trying to compete with them for the bragging rights of who has ‘upgraded’ the most after the break up. It’s all childish nonsense. Start to view this as an opportunity to help yourself grow and explore new options in your life. This isn’t a loss necessarily, it is a change, and you can control how you react to this change, and grow into a better situation for yourself.
What Can You Learn from This?
Recognize your mistakes and the mistakes of the relationship as a whole. Did you learn that maybe you shouldn’t get too involved with people who are only a good fit for you and not a great one? Did you learn how to identify liars and people who manipulate? Use this break up as a lesson to take with you into the future, so that the next relationship you have can be even better.
No Contact Rule
Read the post I wrote on the No Contact Rule for the complete breakdown of this. In order to move on from someone you cannot keep acting as if they are still your partner and that the same rules apply as they did before. They don’t. You cannot move on from someone until you break this dependence that you feel towards them. How can you move on with your life, if you’re constantly calling or texting them to come back or find out what they’re doing with themselves? Sometimes you have no choice and you have to see them. Keep things friendly and cordial but as brief as possible. Don’t fight or argue, just have whatever conversation you need to have and leave. No begging or pleading to have them back. If they are being childish or combative, be the bigger person, and don’t react to it. You need to reclaim your life and learn how to live again without them. This means that you need space away from them in order break that feeling of dependence on them. It does take time but sticking with it can lead to great results.