They say that the only two certainties in life are death and taxes. Though, I suppose it isn’t universally true, it seems that nearly everyone will experience a painful break up in their lifetime. For most of us, we will experience several. The period immediately following the end of a relationship is a strange and trying time. There is uncertainty, confusion, anger, sadness, and a myriad of other emotions that can either come and go like lightning or hang over your life for months at a time.
Not only that, losing someone due to the end of a relationship can often seem like trying to break a serious addiction. Since in your brain, love is pretty much exactly like that.
Without that drug-like fix, the mind can become consumed with getting that lost love back, to regain those positive feelings.
Unfortunately, this desperation is not an attractive quality, and all too often does more harm than good when trying to repair a broken relationship.
Even beyond you own mental state, there is still the fact that he or she is a person independent of you and as such, may want to move on with their lives alone or may have begun seeing someone else.
Maybe you initiated the break up or maybe it was them, either way, regret and second thoughts about the situation can creep in and infect your life.
- 1 Contents
- 2 Time is a Resource We All Have
- 3 Get a Clear View on Things
- 4 Was Cheating Involved?
- 5 Is Attraction Still There?
- 6 Are They Seeing Other People? New Boyfriend or Girlfriend?
- 7 Get Out from Under Dependency
- 8 Has the Situation Really Improved Enough?
- 9 No-Contact Rule
- 10 What’s the first move?
1. Time is a Resource We All Have
2. Get a Clear View on Things
3. Was Cheating Involved?
4. Is Attraction Still There?
5. Are They Seeing Other People? New Boyfriend or Girlfriend?
6. Get Out from Under Dependency
7. Has the Situation Really Improved Enough?
8. No-Contact Rule
Regardless of what happened, these compulsive and intense feelings, which can leave you scrambling to get your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend back fast and magically make things like they used to be before.
Let me tell you, the relationship will never be the ‘same’. It can be repaired, but it will always have to change significantly, to become a healthier version of itself.
Time machines don’t exist and thoughts of, “If I had only done this one thing, the relationship would have been saved”, only serve to cloud your judgment further. Sending your mind into the realm of what could have been.
The real first thing to consider, when trying to get back together with your ex, is if that is indeed what you want and the best course of action.
Or is it merely you trying to chase a shadow of what could have been but doesn’t actually exist?
To start with, I am going to walk through reasons why it is not an ideal idea to try and re-kindle things with an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend to help decide what the next step should be.
It is important to start from a place of acceptance of what the situation currently is. Getting back together with an ex is not a proposition that is 100% successful for everyone.
It involves a myriad of variables, that are specific to your own individual situation, and the circumstances of your ex’s particular mental state. Plus, any future plans they may have for themselves, as an individual entity.
For this reason, it is a good idea to prepare to live your life as if that relationship is over for good. Even if, it can be rekindled at sometime in the future.
The emotional haze that lingers after a relationship is terminated, can have an overwhelming influence over one’s actions. These thoughts and feelings, can make people want to get involved again with an ex, even when it isn’t the best decision for their lives.
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Time is a huge factor when it comes to emotion and moving past a loss. Love and companionship can truly become like an addiction.
I remember how devastated I was by some of my past break ups, and now through the lens of time, I don’t even think about it at all.
High school and college relationships are now either fond memories or something that I cannot remember too many details about. Though at the time, they felt like the end all, be all of my life.
We all get stuck in this sort of mindset from time to time, idealizing a situation or a person, until we feel like we cannot go on without it.
Hogwash. There was a life before them and there will be a life after them. What that life is like is completely up to you.
It is easy to convince yourself, that someone who was merely a good match for you. was really your ‘one and only’. Then later, when enough time has passed, question what exactly was so great about them?
If you’ve had other significant relationships in your life up to this point in time, try and think back to those other people from your past. What were some of the good things about them? What about all of the negatives?
Thinking back on those periods in your life, do you not see many potential disasters that could have popped up in your world, had you tried to stay on that course? Yikes!
It could very well be the same type of thing, with the person you are currently broken up with.
It seems that most people, as they age, narrow things down until they get closer and closer to their ideal partner. Often times, you will be dating someone who is almost the right fit for you but not quite.
They have many of the positive qualities and traits that you may be looking for but are missing out on some key elements that will allow it to be a life long commitment.
I know it can be difficult to read such things, right after a break up. Which is why it is so imperative, that time be taken to get your mind in a better state, before pursuing getting back with your ex.
Decisions based off of pure emotion can be really bad ones to make and end up costing way more grief than they are even worth.
Time is also interesting in that, the more time has passed, the more stuck you can become. Have you ever met one of those guys, who got dumped by his girlfriend years ago, and still hasn’t moved on with his life?
It’s really sad to see, and not to sound too harsh, but it’s also pretty pathetic. His mind is so consumed by the past (an idealized one, where she was an almost perfect person, at that) that he cannot pursue any new relationships. Even with women, who would be a great match for him, because he’s still stuck on ‘the one that got away’.
Life needs to be about growth, not ruining oneself over someone who probably wasn’t the right one anyways.
Figuring things out and coming to terms with this new change in one’s life is a much better strategy than blindly rushing to try and jump start things with an ex.
It does however, require patience and some ability to gain control over one’s emotions or at least not let them totally hinder you. All of these abilities do take time to acquire and hone.
Plus, in the mean time a level of clarity is gained by being away from a former lover and the influence that they hold over you. It is much like retraining your brain and unwinding the intertwined grip, the impact of this relationship has over your feelings.
More Great Articles from ExBackorMoveOn.com:
- How to Cope with Loneliness Post-Breakup
- No Contact Rule
- How to Get Your Ex-Girlfriend Back Fast
- Get Your Ex-Boyfriend Back
Nostalgia can be a fun and comforting feeling to have sometimes. Who doesn’t like to think about happy times like when they were children and went to their favorite amusement park?
On the other end of the spectrum, nostalgia can too often become idealization. This happens in modern politics all the time, those people who want to take things back to how they used to be.
As if, there had been no problems in the past, and if we could only make things like that again, everyone would be happy. Sorry, life doesn’t work like that.
On a personal level, it is important to examine a relationship with as little of a filter as possible. This means make an honest assessment of what the problems were between the two of you. Was there too much fighting? Did someone cheat? Seriously, what were the issues that led to the end?
People often seem to be blindsided by a break up, because in their mind, everything was just fine and dandy. If he or she dumped you, then things really weren’t going fine, were they?
There were reasons for that, even if you aren’t aware of what those reasons were. It is really important to understand that people change and so do the circumstances of life.
There may have been a long period of time, where things really were close to perfect, but started to drift apart. Then, got bad enough for the relationship to end.
One of the main reasons that getting back together isn’t always a good idea, and often fails, is because while the reality of the situation has changed. Those people are trying to build off something that is no longer true.
Life changes constantly. Some couples can get stuck in a rut or one partner can simply get bored with the status quo and want out.
Certain relationship will only make sense during a specific period of one’s life. You may have been the perfect people for each other during college, but may want completely different things in your late 20s.
It’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just a natural change that occurs for people. Some people grow and want new experiences to go along with that growth, while others are perfectly happy with things as they are.
Acceptance is merely acknowledging that change occurs and the allowing those changes to simply be as they are.
Something that adds a giant layer of complexity to things, after a break up, is if it is caused by infidelity.
If you were the one who stepped out of the bounds of your relationship, it is going to be an even bigger struggle to win your ex back over to you. That kind of complete violation of trust is not something that people take lightly.
It hurts like all hell to be lied to and feel as if your partner has betrayed you. If you were the cheater in your situation, I think that the best course of action is to simply move on.
It is going to take a near perfect effort on your part to get them back and even then they would still have to be willing to take you back and move past that cheating.
When you are the one who cheats and causes the break up, you are starting from a negative position when you are trying to get back in your ex’s good graces once more.
It’s like being in heavy debt and while you’re frantically trying to pay down the principal, interest is just piling up and making it harder to free yourself from that position.
You also have to learn to forgive yourself, in that type of situation, before trying to seek your ex’s forgiveness. Feel bad about it for sure, but don’ t let it become a permanent anchor around your neck, either.
Think of the things that you need to work on, so that you won’t ever cheat again, and what would need to change within the relationship to make sure that it is both happy and prosperous.
If you can’t really reconcile or see a clear way forward it might be time to move on and seek a relationship elsewhere, perhaps one in which all of your needs are being met. How to get Your Ex-Boyfriend Back if You Cheated on Him
On the other hand, if you were the one who got cheated on….WHY DO YOU WANT A PARTNER WHO CHEATS?
A one time mistake? Pfft…I’m of the mindset that once you agree to the terms of the relationship (either monogamous or an open one) you have to abide by that, until it is time you want to split.
If they want to go out and see other people, that’s fine BUT they will have to go that route as a single person. They can’t be involved with you and then still get to go out and do whatever they want. It doesn’t work like that.
If you got cheated on, then, your emotions are probably particularly raw, even more so than a standard issue break up. It is vital that you take time away for yourself, figure things out clearly, before you even consider getting back into a relationship which has been so badly damaged.
Harboring a grudge against them isn’t going to help you figure out what to do. It won’t help any more than, crawling right back to them, is going to help you foster a loving and trusting relationship.
Cheating complicates the situation much more than a standard break up does, and as such, the probability of getting back together is significantly lower. It can of course still be done but it’s a much more difficult route to travel.
Yes, the end of a long-term relationship can indeed be the result of a lack of physical attraction by either one or both parties.
Physical appearance is generally more important to men, as we are highly visual creatures. As shallow, as it seems, I have known guys, who’ve gotten rid of a girlfriend because he no longer finds her attractive.
On your end, do you find yourself still attracted to your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend physically?
If the answer is flat out no, or it’s dramatically less than it used to be, then perhaps the breakup was justified. Relationships get stale and bonds between people get weaker when their physical needs are not being met.
If your partner broke up with you, was part of the reason your physical appearance? Sometimes, this will be hinted at or outright said as a reason for initiating a break up.
Have you stopped taking care of yourself? Have you put on a lot of weight since the start of the relationship? Have you stopped really trying to make yourself look attractive? Have you become complacent?
Be honest about these answers and utilize what you know to be true to make a decision about what path you want to follow.
If your physical appearance was a contributing factor to the split, what can you do to improve. Don’t be hard on yourself emotionally, just accept that you could make some positive changes.
Do it for yourself, first and foremost. Question whether or not your want to be with someone who leaves because of what you might consider a superficial reason.
If that answer is no, then get your physical appearance together best you can, and go land someone else. There are literally billions of other people out there and even when times seem rough, there is actually always someone else out there who would appreciate you and what you have to offer (and vice versa).
Attraction goes far beyond just the physical, however. What else was going on the weakened the appeal of staying in that relationship? Were you sick or their BS or were they sick of yours?
Were you simply tired of seeing them every day when you initiated the breakup? Now you have started to feel lonely and are questioning if you want them back? Clear thinking and honesty with yourself will highlight what you should do moving forward.
I think it is more common for females to lose interest in their partners over things like a decline in passion, zest for life, not having enough drive or ambition, and not committing seriously enough to the relationship.
Though, it can really effect anybody. Part of attraction is having a rock solid belief in the other person, and that they are striving to forge a similar path in life, to what you would ideally want.
If one partner is all about personal development and the other has no real direction or enjoyment for life, it can feel like a burden to be together.
Some of these types of problems can be fixed, while it may spell the end, in other circumstances.
Other issues can arise such as verbal/physical abuse, addiction, other large changes in behaviors or moods. While those things in particular are beyond the scope of this site, it might help to seek professional counseling to help you cope. To see that the issues really weren’t because of any defect within you.
Rather, the other person had some serious demons that they need to work out for themselves and you cannot be the one to ‘fix’ them.
Another major issue, during the post-breakup period, is the introduction of other people into an ex’s life. Now, they may not have cheated in the relationship but some people can quickly move on after they are done with an ex.
Some swing from branch to branch so to speak, having a new partner already in place before letting go of the old one.
It can really hurt like hell to see an ex with someone new while you’re still reeling over the breakup. However, that doesn’t mean that you can justify making irrational decisions in your life. It’s still a matter of taking your time and clearly thinking out a new way forward.
Some of these new relationships, aren’t very serious, while others can be. Don’t be petty, and try to get your ex to break up with their new partner. Nor should you try to make them feel horrible about it either. Let it be as it is.
Know that, people in general, don’t want to be alone nor do they want to feel alone. As such, they may choose to cope by latching on to someone else, so that they don’t have to face the hurt that comes with a break up.
This can include going out on dates with different people, sleeping around, or getting into a monogamous relationship with someone else.
The monogamous relationship may be legit or it may be a coping mechanism. In my experience, the more they pay attention to you and what you’re doing while in a relationship with someone else, then the more likely that it isn’t all that serious.
This is especially true it seems when an ex is still really flirty, communicates often, and just generally steps out of the bounds of that new relationship in order to contact me.
The beauty of love is building that close knit bond with someone, which can make a person feel as if they have found their place within this world.
On the flip side, that beauty can become a horror, after a break up. This is when the addictive qualities of love tend to rear their ugly heads. The emotions and physical feelings that are so intense after a relationship ends take place because, in essence, you aren’t getting your fix.
That love has become completely addicting and has conditioned you to expect certain things in your life. When those things are gone and nothing replaces that stimulus, it is easy to feel down.
Staying away from drugs and alcohol is always a good idea, but especially after a loss. As it becomes an endless search to fill the gap of positive feelings.
True happiness is something which can only come from within one’s self. If happiness is ever dependent on another person, drug, food, experience or whatever, that happiness will disappear the moment that external force is taken away.
Relationships should come about to enhance one’s life, not to fill the internal emptiness, that one can feel when not in love. Since a dependency on another person has occurred, it is a good idea to let the fresh wounds of their absence heal.
This is why the no contact rule, can be a fantastic tool to use after a break up, as it allows a person to re-acclimate themselves to a life without that other person. From there, that person can see what the next step to take is, with a clear mind.
Face the Fear
As I wrote before, there is a great deal of fear and uncertainty when a girlfriend or boyfriend leaves. A lot of these feelings stem from a fear of being or ending up alone (which happens to everyone eventually). Then, there is also the fear that you will never find someone as good as your ex.
Life doesn’t stop. People and things in your life will come and go but that doesn’t mean you have to be stuck in the realm of what used to be.
A person must decide for themselves what they want out of life, how they want to live, and to find other relationships that will help to grow who you are and who you want to become.
This feat can manifest itself in a multitude of ways. Some will try to get their ex-girlfriend back from another guy . The whole pursuit, is due to some part of you feeling like, your value as a man has been lowered by her choosing another relationship.
Then, there are the women who want to get back AT their ex-boyfriend because their pride has been hurt by the rejection.
In either case, there is a real attempt by a person’s ego to derive satisfaction from petty vengeance or ‘conquering’ what was lost to them. There is no winning or losing after relationships, it is just a change, and any competition that follows is mere egoic nonsense.
Just because one party in the failed relationship sleeps with or is dating a third party after the breakup, doesn’t mean they’ve won. What exactly is there to ‘win’, in the first place? Don’t make the mistake of falling into this low-level mindset, in which competition takes over.
The fear of being alone or not being able to find another who is a better fit for you must be faced. You feel pain? That’s fine, feel that pain but don’t let yourself be consumed by it.
It is okay to feel all of these sorts of emotions after a relationship ends but allowing them to linger for too long will only lead to unhappiness and becoming a bitter person.
There is still so much life ahead, that must be lived through properly, and not stuck in some depressed state because one relationship didn’t work out like you had hoped.
Other relationships will come along, but they won’t happen by staying at home every night, afraid to go out and meet someone. All because you might eventually experience hurt.
Has the Situation Really Improved Enough?
There were definite reasons for a relationship to end. There was a betrayal of trust or maybe you two just simply drifted apart. Let’s say for the sake of argument, that, you and your ex were back together today. What has changed to make things work this time?
Have you two agreed as to what the legitimate issues were with the relationship? Things aren’t going to work if he thinks that you’re a liar and you think that you’re the paragon of truth and virtue. Was the time apart a relationship repair? Probably not.
Accept the truth. If you two have simply moved down different paths in life, accept that the relationship is over, and get started on where you want to end up in the future. Don’t go back just to feel safe or because suddenly you’re dating options seem really limited, things aren’t going to go back to how they were.
Many times, getting back together is just a bad idea, and is a result of both people clamoring for something which feels certain when they don’t know what to do next. Sometimes it’s best to just accept things as they now are and learn from what has been, so that your future relationships can go a bit smoother.
The Next Step…
Now, that you have considered the reasons why getting back together might not be a good idea, it is time to explore ways to move forward and ultimately decided whether or not rekindling the romance is a good idea or not.
I am planning on writing a full-length article on the so-called No-Contact Rule (update: Here it Is) but wanted to give a brief intro here. No contact basically means that you cut all unnecessary contact with the ex for some amount of time. No calling, no texting, no messaging, no just stopping by to say hello, etc.
You both need time to recover from the aftermath of the relationship and get yourself right. As I have stated throughout, you cannot make a good decision with a mind that is not clear.
Having time and space away from each other allows for healing to occur as well as ways to pursue other growth opportunities in your life. If you’re currently a complete mess, you need time to build back your strength and get ready to face the world again, as an independently content person.
During this period of healing it is important to pursue new interests, meet new people, and generally just try to grow as a person. You will find that after you have taken time to focus on yourself, things can get a lot better emotionally and you can become ready to let go of a broken relationship.
Will no contact drive away your ex and make them move on from the relationship? In my experience, the girls who wanted to come back, always tried to come back into my life after a period of no contact. While the girlfriends who didn’t, did me the kindness of allowing us both to move on to different things.
No contact allows you to heal and to express non-neediness. We all inherently know that desperation is highly unattractive.
What if you have to see your ex at work, in class, you live together still, or if you have a child together?
If you’re in a situation in which you have to see your ex on a regular basis, realize it is not going to feel good for a long while. However, just because it feels bad, doesn’t mean that you can’t face it on the best terms possible.
Don’t go out of your way to talk to them, if you don’t have to. If you must, keep it about the topic at hand and not about the relationship. If they talk to you, be polite and cordial, but try to keep it as short as you can during the no contact period.
Don’t ask jealous questions about their love life without you. Don’t beg them back…in short, don’t be desperate or petty. Handle your business and keep it moving.
Remember that you’re an adult, and part of the maturity process, is learning to accept that things don’t always go how you want them to. and that there is going to be pain along the way.
However, this doesn’t mean that life is all bad or you’ll never have another shot at a good relationship. It just means that this one in particular didn’t work out this time.
It might be able to be repaired or it might not. Either way, you still have to live your life and grow as a human being.
What are Some Ways to Grow?
From the aftermath of my past break ups, I have learned that, if I wallow and focus solely on getting her back then things don’t seem to get any better.
However, if I do take the time to consider my own life and well-being, I can make the best decision for my life and what I originally wanted to happen no longer matters to me as much.
Most of the time, this process leads me to accept that my ex-girlfriend is gone from my life in that capacity and that it really is for the better. I have to learn to stop fearing change in my life and let things happen, let go, and allow fresh experiences and people into my life.
I like to make certain things a habit post-breakup:
- Reading– Reading can change your mental state and get you out of bad emotions. It is a way to learn and grow, plus, it floods the brain with new ideas about life and your place in it. It can also keep one occupied through the worst of the emotional rollercoaster.
- It is probably best to avoid sad or negative readings during this period. Instead, focus on positive books such as eastern philosophy, books that get you excited about life, etc. I read lots of books by stoic philosophers and authors like Eckhart Tolle. It helps put life in perspective and allows me to see that I’m mostly making a bigger deal out of my breakups than I should be.
- Exercise– Exercise is healthy for both the body and mind. It is incredible how pushing through physically can have a profound impact on your mental state. Motion and emotion are often closely linked. Think about times when maybe you were sitting in a room all day and felt very tired. If you went to the gym and ran and/or lifted weights afterwards, did your mood elevate or did you at least feel less stress or worry?
- Spend time with others– I feel like going out with friends or family and just having a good time is a tremendous boost. It allows me to simply let go and enjoy the experience without being bogged down in thinking about what I currently feel that I lack in my life. Don’t go out and simply think of the ‘lack’ in your life without that other person. Go out with the attitude of experiencing every moment and appreciating the little things in life…good food, laughs, random conversations, etc. Be in the now of each moment and don’t replay in your mind, all of the things which happened in the past.
- Dating– Yep, seeing new girls. Dating again is a solid option once you have gotten yourself together enough mentally. Not everyone you meet is going to be a perfect match, that’s okay, this is about exploration and seeing that there isn’t just one person in the world. A date can just be a date and these interactions shouldn’t be compared to the past relationship. I find that even if I’m not ready emotionally to get involved with anyone else, just the experience and excitement of meeting new women gives me positive energy.
- Explore New Possibilities for Myself– This can include business, career, travel, and any other opportunities that exist outside of my love life. Not everything that is enjoyable in this world is because of being in another relationship or being surrounded by other people. Sometimes, it’s nice to let yourself explore new things and set exciting goals for yourself. Make it something simple at first, maybe finishing a long book you never got around to or starting a fitness routine. When you build some momentum, scale it up and go for higher goals, that you never really got to work on while you were with your ex.
- Meditation– A great tool that I use to help clear my mind, which is especially useful after a break up. Slowing down racing thoughts, clearing your head, and feeling like a weight has been lifted. It can take some time to develop the ability to stop allowing thoughts to consume your mind. Try it out for 15 to 20 minutes each day. Focus on the breath and allow thoughts to come and go, without making a judgment about them. Observe your thoughts and let these thoughts pass, until you can start to have a still mind.
Can I Make My Ex-Boyfriend or Girlfriend Regret Leaving Me?
The journey of life is ultimately about yourself and coming to terms with your existence in a world that can be flat out crazy and brutal. It can however, also be beautiful, and gearing yourself up to pursue the beautiful in life has plenty of benefits.
One of which being, that people are naturally attracted to confidence and those who make their lives their own.
So, in a very real way, the key to make someone regret leaving you behind, is to not focus on making them feel regret. The key is to focus on yourself and creating your ideal life.
Let other people have their pettiness and emotional manipulations. You should rise above that, understand what they’re doing, and love them anyways. The revenge notion or getting the better of someone post-breakup is quite frankly a waste of time.
Don’t let yourself become controlled by these intense emotions but let yourself observe them arise and notice how they effect your thinking in a negative manner.
Keep the focus on your own improvement both internally and externally, for that is the type of thing that attracts others to you in the first place. Nobody wants a needy lap dog who is stuck in the past and doesn’t have the capability of changing themselves for the better.
If your ex left you, it is because they were not satisfied with the relationship at that point in time. Their reasoning may be able to be changed and they may come to regret the breakup.
However, it also may be something outside of your control and trying to make them feel regret could be a complete waste of your time and energy.
What if It Has Been a Year or Longer Since We Broke Up? Can I Still Get Them Back?
In theory, yes. In practice, it is a much more difficult proposition to pull off. While time certainly does heal wounds, if you let it. Time can also make people change their minds and alter the course of where they want their lives to go.
An ex after a year or more may not hold any romantic feelings towards you at all and could have moved on to other potential relationships. Recognize that, your ex is probably not in the same mental space that they were in a year or longer ago, as the human condition necessitates that they move forward.
The only two real options are to finally let them go and give yourself permission to move forward or to re-attract them. For the vast majority 90+ percent of people the best option is letting them go.
Re-attraction can be a difficult process that is likely doomed to failure except in certain circumstances in which the variables are in one’s favor. You can essentially be starting from a negative position with them and have to ‘dig your way out of debt’, so to speak and get them to like a newer version of you. Either way, it’s a tough proposition.
Keeping Emotions in Check
You cannot stop emotions from occurring after a break-up, they are natural and healthy to a point, but you can help stop them from taking over your life and screwing up whatever shot you have at getting back together.
This is where the no contact rule really comes into play, to prevent these emotions from talking you into making the wrong move when wanting to back together with someone.
I know, I know. There are a million things that you want to say to them, which you are convinced will make them see the light and fix the relationship for good. They won’t. I’ve tried and so have millions of others.
Pouring your heart out, texting them in the middle of the night to say hi, becoming jealous over other potential suitors, and begging for them to come back in your life will only serve to push them away further.
Yes, in your head it seems like these things are logical and the right idea but they really aren’t. They didn’t get together with you because you are a desperate person who cannot live without them.
They fell for you, because of your positive attributes, that were independent of knowing them.
You cannot force someone to come back to you by simply pleading your case, both parties must want to reconcile and can only do so at the appropriate time, which won’t coincide with whatever emotion outburst you feel compelled to do.
I know it seems counterintuitive that, if you reach out and let them know that you wish to fix things, that it can push them further away.
However, consider what it looks like from their perspective, getting constant texts and attention from you. In their minds, you are just a desperate person, which is not what attracts them to another person.
Nobody wants to date a lap dog, who is ready to come back at their beck and call and cannot move on without their presence. No contact allows you to deal with your emotions and be less present in their lives, which can allow them space to think about what positive things they miss about you and not simply you pleading with them to have you back.
Also, if your ex has begun another relationship or has started going on dates with other people, you have to be able to keep your jealousy in check.
Don’t try to one-up them and flaunt a new person in your life. Don’t harass them about who they are seeing. Just let it be as it is.
Yeah, it’s hard to not text them when you know that they are seeing someone so soon after a breakup. BUT it is necessary to resist and keep up the no contact until your mind and life is in a much healthier place.
Nobody likes to be told who they can and cannot see, especially when that person doing the ordering is the one who they just broke up with. That only builds resentment and poisons any reconciliation.
This is perhaps the most difficult aspect of either moving on from or getting back together with an ex. Emotions in this time period are so raw and visceral that they are liable to push people to act way outside of their normal behavioral patterns.
Developing control is key. Put down your phone and walk away, instead of desperately texting them. Keep yourself occupied with beneficial behaviors and activities instead of sitting around and wallowing about the failed relationship.
It does get better with time, if you let it get better and take the necessary steps to avoid an old relationship from taking over your life.
What are Some Signs That Your Ex Still Loves and Cares for You?
There are some indicators that an ex may still be in love with their old partner. However, it is important to understand that these are not hard and fast rules.
For instance, an ex who consistently calls, texts, or just generally communicates with you is more likely to want you back than one who doesn’t do those things.
However, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they want reconciliation in all circumstances. That person may be equally confused and emotional about this major change in their life and as a result, reach out to that person who was a constant in their lives for so long.
They also may still have a genuine concern about you and will contact you to make sure you are doing okay. This still love you, they just aren’t in love with you anymore. That’s an important distinction to make.
Signs of interest can include:
- Lots of contact
- Taking an interest in your life post-breakup (checking up on you)
- Flirting, sexual interest, romantic gestures
- Talking about the past together
- Talking about the problems of the relationship and how to resolve them
Again, there isn’t always an exact correlation between some of these signs and them still wanting to be together in a relationship, but it does make things seem to be more in the realm of possibility versus if none of these types of signs were there.
Remember when I wrote about the importance of letting time pass? Here is where that takes on another layer of importance. With time, the bad things about your relationship tend to fade in your former partner’s memory. This doesn’t mean that time has solved all of the problems but what it does mean is that if they truly do miss you on some level, they can start thinking about the positive aspects of what once was.
If you have played things correctly up until this point, the two of you have spent significant time apart from one another, and you have both grown up and improved yourself as a person.
You have had time to reflect on whether or not getting back together is a good choice to make or not. While they, have also had time to consider what their life is like without you.
From experience, the girls who wanted to come back always made the first move in contacting me. I would always get a text or online message saying something like, “Hey, I was just thinking about you and wanted to see how you are doing.” Or something like, “I was driving over by (insert place) and it reminded me of (some time spent together).”
If they do not contact you first, after a month or more apart from each other with no contact and you working on yourself, then it may be time to consider opening a dialogue with them.
When you get to this point, however, you must be absolutely certain that you do indeed want them back and are accepting of the fact that there is no guarantee that they will get back together with you.
You need to have better reasons to get back together with someone, other than simply, missing them or being hurt without them. That’s just missing an addiction and not the foundation of a healthy relationship.
Do the pros of being together with this person really outweigh the cons enough to invest that kind of time and energy into trying to make it work? There are plenty of people out there who are good fits for each other but those who are truly great fits are few and far between. Be honest with yourself about what you want and who this person truly is.
What’s the first move?
Obviously, in order to attempt to re-start a relationship, contact has to be reestablished with your ex. One of the amazing things about technology, is the ease of communication we have with one another today.
This can especially come in handy when trying to reconcile a relationship. As, a text message can be an innocuous way to reach out.
Think about it:
- They don’t have to agree to meet you face to face right away.
- That message can sit on their phone until they are ready to respond. More time equals a greater chance.
- You can craft the right message to them.
- It’s a private and personal way of communication.
Here is relationship expert Michael Fiore. explaining texts as a form of communication for relationships:
Hopefully, you took the opportunity to download the two free reports towards the top of the post, that help to lay out some of the dos and don’ts of texting your ex.
Both of which were written by Mr. Fiore as an introduction to his “Text Your Ex Back”. They can be quite helpful as a grounding, for figuring out what path one should take when trying to fix things.
Text Your Ex Back is a full mp3 audio and ebook program which has helped thousands of people reignite things with their exes by following Michael Fiore’s advice. He has been on a number of shows including Rachel Ray’s to discuss his methods for romance.
If you are serious about wanting to get back with your ex, please click the image below to watch a free video and try “Text Your Ex Back” with a full 60 day money back guarantee: