Following the No Contact Rule After a Break Up
Immediately following a break up, and for some amount of time thereafter, emotions can be very raw. These can cause people to do some pretty nutty things, to win back their exes.
However, these actions (phone calls, endless texts, trying to meet up with them and talk it out, etc.) serve only to push the other person further away. This is instead of achieving the goal of making them want to get back together.
Luckily, this can be avoided if one is smart about things, and utilizes the so-called No Contact Rule.
No contact after a break up has many advantages and uses. This is beyond just not speaking to, whomever it is you are trying to get back together with or move on from completely.
So, in this article I would like to share with you, the reasons why you should follow no contact with your ex.
What is the No Contact Rule?
The No Contact Rule, in its essence, is cutting off communications with an ex in the aftermath of a breakup. Yes, this means not calling, texting, social media likes, email or what have you, etc.
This is done for a set period of time, following the breakup. Obviously, there are exceptions, when you absolutely have to talk to an ex…but you handle your business with them and go about your day.
What Does a 30 Day or Longer No Contact Period Entail?
So, as I have already discussed, it is a period of not contacting your ex and keeping any necessary communications to a minimum.
However, a 30-45 day period of No Contact, should also involve distancing yourself from other things that trigger the desire to contact them.
This can include:
- Not liking or commenting on social media posts. Heck, don’t watch their snaps or IG Stories either.
- Not ‘coincidentally’ showing up to a place, you know they’ll be.
- Not obsessing about them, checking their various profiles, or whatever.
- Staring at pictures of them or the two of you together
- Not trying to talk to them through intermediaries or talk about them, either. No begging or bad mouthing them to common friends, their families, or their own personal friends.
A big part of this, is to allow yourself to make rational decisions about your life and relationship, moving forward without all of the emotional cloudiness.
It’s not really much of a positive process, if you successfully avoid contact, but still obsess over other non-communicative aspects. It’s completely counterproductive.
This No Contact Period is abstaining for an amount of time from the ex. Roundabout ways to get their attention or talk to them, isn’t apart of the deal, and isn’t going to help matters.
Why is the No Contact Rule So Effective? Reset of the Mind
Let’s face it, relationships, can be pretty damn addictive.
Like any addiction, parts of a relationship become entrenched habits over long periods of time. Your actions and emotions are used to certain feedbacks from the other person’s presence.
When that person is gone, one starts to crave these feedback loops. It can be as simple as being used to receiving a text message from them during the day.
When they don’t text, it can be like a shock to your usual routine, because it is so expected.
Need more help? Click here to receive two free reports: “3 Toxic Texts You Should NEVER Send Your EX” and a mapped plan of the “Text Your Ex Back” process.
Habits can be hard to break especially when you are consistently trying to recreate them. You are used to receiving a text from your ex, and feeling some type of way about it, generally very positively.
Then, after the break up, you can find yourself trying to send them texts, just to read a few words from them, to feel like they still care.
The feedback loop has been broken and instead of replacing it with something positive, you go right back into trying to force the usual pattern.
What no contact helps to do, is to give you space and time away from this person’s influence in your life, and sort of reset the brain to no longer expect the same patterns.
How long this takes is a matter of the severity of the addiction? For instance, trying to install a new habit of working out or sticking with a diet, can take 30 days to have it pretty much solidified as a routine.
Getting over an ex, at least enough, to function and decide a good next step can take longer for some people.
With so many rough emotions influencing ones behavior, it is a good idea to separate oneself for a period of time from what is triggering these emotions. So that, the mind can be cleared, and better decisions can be made.
To piggyback further off of the last point, time is the most important function after a break up. There is the saying that time heals all wounds, which is true, if the person accepts things as they are and moves on.
Otherwise, you can end up being some lonely person obsessing over what could have been. Save that type of behavior for Jay Gatsby, we have a life to live.
Time also helps to lend perspective. Once separated for a while, your views can change about a person if you are honest with yourself.
There were girls who I dated for a time, and then. after the break up felt completely miserable about losing them. However, these feelings were most often short lived.
With enough time away from that situation, I could step back from the wreckage of the relationship and realize that it really was for the best.
Then, after an even longer amount of time, I never really thought about them at all. There are girls I remember having really intense feelings for when we dated, who don’t even cross my mind or illicit any strong emotion if I am reminded of them.
That’s just how having a love life, works out, a lot of the times. You can only begin to realize this, with proper distance and time.
No contact can also help prevent arguments and things you might regret saying later.
When emotions are running high, and especially if the relationship ended on bad terms, staying away from that person can be highly beneficial.
If you must remember the relationship, remember the good times, and accept that it is now in the past.
When considering trying to re-start a relationship, it is a good idea to remember the negatives. But only as a pro versus con tool of decision making, and not something, to hold over their heads.
One thing I always hate seeing among friends or other people after a break up, is that level of intense jealousy. The type where people try to seek revenge. Or try to show up their ex, by dating someone they consider an ‘upgrade’. Then, telling their ex about how much better that person is, than they were in a relationship.
This is just petty behavior. Don’t burn bridges and remember the positive aspects of the relationship.
Helps You Mature and Grow
With change comes the opportunity for growth. Obsessing over someone you have broken up with is not growth and can lead to some pretty sad behavior.
No contact works to remove the emotional triggers you feel by communicating with your ex and allows you to focus on your emotional and physical well-being.
The best thing that one can do after a break up is to focus on other positive things. This is the time to start a new workout routine or new project that excites you.
As it reinforces positive emotions, that replace the old feedback loops, which were dependent on being together with your ex.
It also helps to improve the person you are and when you grow as a person, your priorities tend to change.
Meaning, that you might come to realize pretty quickly, that, he or she was not the right person for who you want to become but rather who you used to be.
You don’t want to end up that person, who stagnated and still obsesses about a failed relationship years later. Just unable to enjoy their lives, because they refuse to grow up and move on.
Now, of course, ‘moving on’ is not always the plan nor the outcome. Things can get fixed, if both parties are willing. However, it is important, to get your life and mind in a good place. With or without another person.
No Contact Provides the Best Way to Rekindle Things Later
At some point in time, when things have settled down, there might be a chance to get back together with them.
It is not a guarantee that they will want to or that it is even a good idea but time apart is necessary for both parties to explore and figure things out.
No contact helps to show them that you aren’t a desperate person who needs to call and text them all the time (highly unattractive) and that you can indeed make positive changes and grow.
The time apart allows you to consider what your next move will be, either move on or try to get back together with your ex. It helps to get yourself back in your right mind and feeling better about things.
You can even start to date other people to help feel out what the path you truly want to follow is. Right after a break up, is a terrible time to make these decisions.
Things are still too new and painful to make a good decision, healing must occur on some level.
It’s Not Just About Your Healing and Needing to Think
Another aspect of No Contact, is how the other person gets time to reflect on things, without the influence of their ex.
Meaning, your ex girlfriend or boyfriend, can have the space to get their mind right. They get to see what the best course of action is for their own life. They can reflect, on whether the break up was a correct or bad decision.
Plus, it gives them time to cool down emotionally, and let any anger towards you begin to subside (hopefully). It’s amazing how few things in life, actually makes someone hold a grudge over the long haul. Usually, with a bit of time, an ex can forgive or stop being mad about a lot of things.
Time apart brings clarity. The remnants of the old relationship need to fall and both parties need time, to get used to life apart. From there, a new relationship may be formed, but it cannot just be a continuation of how things used to be.
If the relationship fell apart, it did so for a reason or many reasons. So, any re-start of relations, needs to address and remedy these issues.
It Can Create Seeds of Doubt or Wonder
What time apart can also do, is to make an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, start to wonder about you. Why aren’t they talking to me anymore?
This can especially be true, if you were previously begging and pleading them. Suddenly, that desperation is gone. It creates questions about whether you’ve moved on or if you’re even thinking about them anymore.
Doubt can create intrigue. Pestering someone with texts or calls, all of the time, destroys any mystery. Everything is right up front and it’s not attractive. Mystery, on the other hand, can be quite attractive.
Absence, can also be captivating. It makes the heart grow fonder, as the old saying goes. When all someone is left with of another person is memories, it can conjure up all of the positive feelings that they once had towards you…and probably still do to some extent.
What No Contact Means
Time apart. No calling, no texts, no ‘accidently’ bumping into them.
If you have to see them, be cordial and handle whatever things you must discuss with each other (like living arrangements and about children, if they are involved, NOT begging and pleading for them to come back).
Remember, this is about breaking the negative addiction that this relationship has over you at the moment, and then deciding what to do next. Let things settle down, let yourself heal, and embrace that this aspect of your life has changed.
How Long Should You Go No Contact For?
30 days is usually the baseline starting point.
However, it can go as long as 60 days. Usually not this long, but I’ve done a 60 day one before, and they contacted me. They had contacted me prior, but were just interested in arguing…so silence remained.
The ideal time frame, seems to be 4-6 weeks, in most cases. However, there are times, when it can make sense to cut it shorter (generally not in the first few weeks though, as emotions are still running too high to think clearly).
You want to be in a clear head space, which doesn’t really happen that quickly. Plus, you want some distance from one another, to really be able to sort things out.
Sometimes, an ex will break, and contact you to fix things. It doesn’t make sense to wait for some better bargaining position. At that time, hear them out, and see if there’s a path forward.
Remembering not to simply rush back into things, unless you can actually fix the problems of the relationship. If you two, have constantly broken up and gotten back together, is this just another time in the long line? Or is this one, where you will have to make them wait longer?
What Comes After No Contact?
Hopefully, you took the opportunity to download the two free reports towards the top of the post, that help to lay out some of the dos and don’ts of texting your ex.
Both of which were written by Michael Fiore as an introduction to his “Text Your Ex Back”.
He also recommends a period of no contact with an ex and also shows how to both work through the time apart and how to decide what to do next.
If you want further help working out things or really do want to make things work with an ex, this is something you’ll want to check out.
Text Your Ex Back is a full mp3 audio and ebook program which has helped thousands of people reignite things with their exes by following Michael Fiore’s advice. He has been on a number of shows including Rachel Ray’s to discuss his methods for romance.
Here is what some of Text Your Ex Back’s users had to say about their success with the program:
“Not only did this program change my relationship with what i feel is the most incredible and unique girl i have met so far in my life, but you actually helped me change my life for the better. Ever thought this could be a life changing event for someone? Not to mention how inexpensive and how user friendly the program is, no amount of money or words could express how truly grateful i am for what you have done for me as a man. And for that i would just like to say…Thank You!”- Matthew R.
“My ex was almost begging me to take him back” I love your program ! It’s so much worth it !! My ex came to me yesterday and was almost begging me to take him back !!! Just as you said it !! Thank you Michael !!!
“Hi Mike. Good program. The 30 days of no contact was crucial – helped work through myself, thoughts and feelings and work on my physical side – mind body and spirit. The “I like myself” exercise is extremely insightful as it reminds ourselves of who we are. My ex and I are giving at another go – small steps but all great journeys start with small steps. Talk was the game opener – being in our 50’s we did more talking face to face than texting but adapted some of the principles in this program. Thanks for helping me find myself first so I could have the opportunity to find my ex.”- Paul
If you are serious about wanting to get back with your ex, please click the image below to watch a free video and try “Text Your Ex Back” with a full 60 day money back guarantee:
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