Ah, the dreaded friend zone. This is a spot which is usually reserved for guys who a girl has no romantic interest in initially and not a guy whom she has already dated. However, there are circumstances in which after a break up, your ex-girlfriend might tell you that she just wants to be friends with you now, and that she doesn’t want the two of you to hate each other. In principle, being friends with your ex doesn’t seem like such a bad proposition but it can turn out that way, based on the feeling you still have and what her true meaning is exactly. In my experience, the whole just being friends thing, doesn’t really mean that the two of you are going to be best buds and hang out all of the time. So, in this post, I want to explore a little bit of what it means for you and your ex to be ‘just friends’ and if there is a clear methodology to get yourself out of said situation or if it is even desirable.
I Want Us to Be Just Friends
Alright, so, you and this girl have had a sit down or she has texted and informed you of your new found friendship. You may have agreed that the two of you should remain friends in the aftermath of the breakup, even though, you probably didn’t really mean it. From your end, you still want her back as a girlfriend and are only being amenable to friendship, so that you can stay somewhat close to her.
Let’s just be honest from the start here, you are still sexually attracted to this girl and have romantic feelings towards her…there’s no purely Platonic relationship here and while you still care about her, you’re not her friend!
On the flip side, she is suggesting being friends in order to either let you down gently and diminish your intentions of you trying to get back together with her or she is planning on keeping you around for other purposes. Being stuck in the friend zone means that you will be giving away your time and attention in exchange for something you don’t actually want (the illusion of true friendship).
In that situation, her emotional needs and need to have someone to download all of her problems onto is met by you, her now ‘neutered’ ex-boyfriend, while she can go out and get her physical needs satisfied by other men…whom she still has sexual attraction to. Listen to this clip below, for a great explanation of the ‘Time Ho’ phenomenon, and see if it doesn’t describe your current situation.
Listen, man, the break down of this problem is actually quite simple. If you really just want to be friends, have other girls around, and no longer have any type of real attraction to this girl…then by all means, go be a friend zoned guy. If you actually just want to get back with her or you are undecided if that’s the best course of action to take, then, don’t try to fool yourself into thinking that the two of you are pals.
It’s an either or thing. You can be friends with an ex if that same spark is no longer there OR you can still desire her and want to reconcile the relationship. Trying to play it both ways, isn’t tenable, in the long-term.
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Escape from Friend Zone Mountain
Removing yourself from the friend zone is a laborious process. The first thing that I would consider, is if being with this girl is truly what I want or am I just carrying leftover emotional baggage.
If it is the latter, then, I would suggest getting to work with moving on with your life and letting go of this failed relationship…there are literally billions of others out there for us to pursue. Getting past it, is mostly a function of time mixed with the pursuit of personal growth, so that your life doesn’t stagnate and you don’t become consumed with the past and what was.
If you are hellbent on getting out of the friend zone and trying to get back together with this girl, however, just know that while it can be done, it is never a guarantee to work. Ask yourself if you really want to spend time chasing something that may never be and even if it comes to fruition, it won’t be the same as it once was. Luckily, this decision doesn’t have to be made on the spot, as the best path to follow whether moving on from or trying to get out of the friend zone with your ex-girlfriend is the same…at least initially.
Is it possible to get out of the friend zone with an ex? Yes, I’ve done it before but the funny thing is, I no longer wanted those girls around by the time they became interested in me once again. It works out that way sometimes, where you’ve grown as a person to the point that a girl you once were really into, no longer holds the same meaning in your life.
That’s why taking time apart can be so damn important. Emotional distress and everything that comes with it, can push you towards one outcome, that you may not actually want for yourself in the long-term. It’s sort of a temporary state, where you can’t really make good decisions.
No Contact? Hell yeah, No Contact!
In order to extricate yourself from the friend zone, you must not allow yourself to get sucked deeper into it. That’s an impossible task if you are constantly answering her phone calls and listening to her complain about her day. You cannot allow yourself to get dragged further down into the abyss and becoming an utterly neutral man in her eyes (i.e. she doesn’t feel that sexual attraction) because that will only increase the severity of the problem.
I’ve already discussed the No Contact Rule in length, here. As such, I’m not going to delve into it in this article. However, I will say that you will need to go roughly a month of no contact, so that you can even begin to start crawling out of the friend zone. But…but…won’t she forget about me? Only if you’re forgettable. Besides, you cannot think like that, you have to be willing to lose a girl completely. Even if that fact hurts to think about, as men, we have to cultivate the ability to walk away from situations because our disinterest can sometimes be the only way of preserving our respect.
When that high level physical and emotional interest (on her end) no longer exists like it did at the start of the relationship, one has to choose the most attractive path available. For most guys, this means either some level of indifference, or being the lapdog who begs for her back. The first one is way more attractive, than the chick repellent that is desperate behavior.
What to do During No Contact?
What I would suggest doing during this No Contact period is taking a hyper-interest in yourself and your life. Yes, self-development is the main thing that I would focus on. I cannot spend my time solely thinking about her, and how much I can’t wait for this period of time to end, so that I can send her a text message again.
This type of obsession seems to be common, especially among men, as we usually have a tougher time dealing with breakups and the emotions that follow. We also, will usually develop strong feelings for women, if they happen to be the only option that is around. In this case, our ex-girlfriend was our main squeeze, and when we lose her henceforth it becomes almost a compulsion to get her back.
While I think it is a terrible idea to jump into a serious relationship right after you just got out of one, I think that it is a great idea to starting dating casually again, in order to gain clarity. (If you suck at getting girls, I’ve written two Kindle books on this subject: Game without Games and Online Dating for Men ) Going out with other girls does multiple things…
First, it allows you to viscerally understand that your ex is not the only girl out there who may be a decent match for you. Thus, her hold on you is lessened. It also might make it clear for you, that you don’t actually need to pursue your ex-girlfriend, anymore.
Secondly, it diffuses your interest among many girls instead of concentrating it on the one you don’t have. Think about it, if you have 20 girls who you can text with and probably get to meet you out somewhere, are you really going to be as attached to the one who currently has you stuck in the friend zone? Probably not.
Thirdly, your value on the sexual market is raised. If many women want you or hang around you for dates, you are a much more desirable man in the eyes of every other woman (including your ex).
People’s perception becomes their reality. For example, if two identical men are at a crowded bar and one of them is standing alone while the other is surrounded by people, which one has more value? The man with lots of friends and women, even though he is identical to the man that is standing alone. It is mere perception of value that changes the level of attractiveness.
What that means for your ex-girlfriend, is that if she’s noticing that your are getting along fine without her, the idea that she made a mistake might start creeping into her head. After all, these other women seem to be enjoying my ex, maybe I had something really good and let it get away.
Whether she starts thinking that or not, the idea is to sort of reset the conception she has of you in her mind. Start dating other girls during this no contact period and keep it going after contact has been established.
Other things that you can do in order to start raising your value is to change your physical appearance for the better, learn new skills, start new projects, find new social activities to engage in…really anything that alters the perception of who you are (and that you enjoy doing) will begin to dissolve her old perception of you and help to recast you in a new light.
Go hard. Really plan it out, as to how you’re going to improve your life, whether she’s around or not. It’s a winning move, because your life gets better, and a man with an awesome life is really attractive to women; even those who’ve dated you before.
What to Do Post-No Contact
Well, reestablish contact with her. Remember though, that you cannot act like the same old guy by begging to have her come back to you and all the desperate attention seeking things of that nature. Still have other girls lined up for dates. So, for instance, if you end up setting up a meeting with you ex on Wednesday, try having dates on Tuesday and Thursday (or other times during the week) so that your ex is just another girl in the rotation and not elevated above.
In my experience with getting out of the friend zone, I found that treating the failed relationship as completely done was the best course to follow. Whatever emerged with my ex after the breakup was an entirely new edifice that we were constructing and hence I couldn’t give her the same type of priority treatment she had when we were together.
I got back to her when I felt like it, I accepted offers to hang out at my convenience, I never broke my other plans just to go listen to her nonsense. In essence, I reclaimed my sovereignty as a man, and the girl had to work her way back to the top of the depth chart if she wanted more of my time. Even then, the result was to keep it casual, and we never ‘got back together’ beyond hanging out and hooking up.
Relationships should only be carried out on your terms. If she continues to stick you in the friend zone when you have no interest in that, then you can completely sever ties with her. Like I said, getting out of the friend zone doesn’t always work and there are going to be instances in which you cannot rekindle a romance. The good news is that, by the time you’ve figured out whether she might want you back, you may have already moved on to bigger and better things.