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Daily Archives: October 25, 2017

Get Your Ex-Boyfriend Back

How to Get Over Your Ex-Boyfriend Sleeping with Someone Else

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After a break up it isn’t uncommon for people to still have feelings for their exes. Now, these feelings can become intensified by the thoughts of their ex-boyfriends or girlfriends being romantically and/or sexually involved with someone else (sometimes this is all in their imagination and their ex is still single!). Once you have spent so much time with one person and have had an extremely close and intimate relationship with them, it can feel absolutely awful to see them developing that connection with another woman. For some folks, this scenario can absolutely become an unbearable reality from which that have a difficult time letting go and moving on from. How can one accept their ex-boyfriend sleeping with someone new and move forward with their life?

 

 

 

Jealousy and Ego

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Sexual jealousy and emotional turmoil is pretty interesting when we think about an ex. Like, when the two of you met, your ex-boyfriend probably wasn’t a virgin (maybe he was) but we tend not to have the same negative obsessiveness about the people that he had sex with before you. It really doesn’t cross our radars as much because he is, after all with you now. The people in the past, prior to your relationship, really aren’t that big of a deal.

Need more help? Click here to receive two free reports: “3 Toxic Texts You Should NEVER Send Your EX” and a mapped plan of the “Text Your Ex Back” process.

When the breakup takes place and he starts to sleep with other women, why does it suddenly bother you more? Him having sex with someone new doesn’t diminish you as a woman. It doesn’t negate the previous relationship that you had with him, as it’s already taken place in the past and played out fully. In reality, what is there to be bothered about? Much of this problem occurs when comparison between yourself and the new women come about. Once you start to think of yourself in competition with someone else, how are you ever going to let go of these intense emotions?

There is also this extreme sense of ownership that one tends to get with an ex-boyfriend. This faulty notion of him, ‘being mine’, which is completely false. People are not possessions. They are independent beings, who may choose to become involved in a mutually beneficial relationship, with another person. There was a time after all, before the two of you had ever met, and he was seeing other women. Would you care about it then? No. Why? He was just some random guy and not something that was ‘yours’…you didn’t have the illusion of possession.


Get to the Core

One way to deal with and get past the emotional jealousy that one can feel when thinking about an ex-boyfriend sleeping with another woman is to reduce it to its base. Utilize the reductionist mode of thinking to break these thoughts down into clinical terms. What is actually occurring? A man sticks his penis inside a vagina, where is skin comes into contact with her. Friction occurs from thrusting in and out until finally there is an intense spasming and some goo shoots out. That’s it. That’s what we get so many bad feelings about.

Is it really all that upsetting that he is doing that with someone else?

Once you have taken the thought of the act itself down to the base, begin to do the same with the emotions. How is this sexual act by two people (who aren’t you) harming me? Does him having sex, reduce your value as a woman? Does this negate your previous relationship? Does your ex-boyfriend having a new lover somehow stop you from finding another romance for yourself? Will you even care about this in six months? A year? Ten years?

The pain and anguish in the short-term occurs because of the attachment we’ve grown towards that person plus the narrative in our minds about them and the previous relationship. All these thoughts and memories play back on a constant loop and stir up emotions that we’ve have attached to them. This has a snowball effect, the more we think about it and attach emotions to them, the stronger these memories and feelings become. We completely buy into whatever story our minds have created about a situation whether it has any actual basis in reality or not.

What this Boils Down to

The key is not to just grit it out or cope with these feelings. The key is to become aware of them as they bubble up and not let them take control of yourself. Recognize the anger or other feeling when it arises. Observe it. Are you that anger? Do you have to let it ‘become’ who you are? Can you observe this feeling, recognize where it is coming from, feel it, and then let it go? Don’t become a victim in your own mind, even if it’s justified, as it will only serve to create another story in your head which will loop continuously and drag you down with it. It is easier to get angry or depressed about these things but letting them go is a much more effective way to deal with them.

 

 

 

Get Your Ex-Girlfriend Back

Is My Ex-Girlfriend Happy Without Me?

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At some point in time after a break up takes place, you may run into an ex or see pictures of her on social media, and she looks super into how her life currently is. You know, the one that no longer really involves you. The thought will then cross a man’s mind, “Is my ex-girlfriend really happy without me?” It can be quite a blow to our ego/self-esteem to realize that there indeed may be a bright future for someone that we cared about and no longer has anything to do with us. In this post, I want to explore this phenomenon a bit, and how to deal with the realization that an ex-girlfriend may be happier afterward…and why it ultimately shouldn’t matter.

 

What is happiness?

Need more help? Click here to receive two free reports: “3 Toxic Texts You Should NEVER Send Your EX” and a mapped plan of the “Text Your Ex Back” process.

So, before I directly delve into whether or not an ex-girlfriend is actually happier without you and/or with her new rebound boyfriend, I want to try to gain an understanding of happiness. Despite its common usage, ‘happiness’, is actually kind of a nebulous term.

What is happiness? Is it that warm positive emotion or is it some kind of internal sense of satisfaction? Is it something that is continuous or is it a fleeting moment of everything seeming to be ‘right’ in one’s life?

One thing that us human beings are really good at is making ourselves the center of attention in our own minds. We say or think things like, “Why is everyone else happy BUT me!” The real question should be, “Are any of those people you’re thinking about really happy?” And if so, what does happiness mean to them?

There are plenty of folks who outwardly seem happy and have plenty of photos on Facebook and Instagram to prove it to you. Like a duck on water, everything is seemingly calm on the surface, while their legs are churning like crazy below just to keep afloat. There are a ton of people just like that, outwardly it seems like everything is all good, but inwardly…they’re falling apart.

The question of whether or not an ex is ‘happier’ without you, really comes down to the definition of what one means by happiness. Is it the feeling? Is it some contentment? Or does she feel better off without you in her life?

 

Is She Happier?

Perhaps. That doesn’t make it a bad thing for you, though. The fact of the matter is, the vast majority of relationships will fail eventually. It’s just a part of the game. Things can grow stale, people grow apart, or that particular relationship no longer provides the same benefits that it once did. For instance, there are girls that I dated around the age of 21, who I liked a whole lot at that point in time. Our time together was great. However, fast forward to the age of 30, and if we tried to date one another it would be an utter disaster. We aren’t in the same place in our lives anymore for it to be a good fit.

You can be perfectly content to be involved with someone else and then a few months later, the situation no longer fits you. In this sense, a person may indeed be happier without their ex in their lives, but it’s really just being in a different mindset and/or wanting to go in a new direction. I mean, think about how many women you have liked/been attracted to, in your life. Was it always this one girl? What happened to the other one’s that you had a crush on or a full blown relationship with? When did they suddenly feel less special in your own mind?

Times change and people change and this may exactly be what happened with your ex. Now is she happier without you? She might not even know the answer to that question.

 

What does it matter?

Let’s just for sake of argument assume that your ex-girlfriend is indeed happier without you and possibly with someone else. What of it?

Again, the two of you may no longer (or never were) a great fit, even if you still think that you are. Hell, it might still theoretically be a good relationship, if it worked out. However, a successful relationship cannot be had while one person isn’t completely into it (her), even if the other person is (possibly you).

Secondly, if she is happy shouldn’t you be glad that she’s doing well (if you care for her still)? At the very least, if you don’t care about her or she screwed you over, isn’t it best to be indifferent towards what she does now?

The danger in the post-breakup period is to get into this comparison competition of who is doing ‘better’ after the split. What nonsense. You do not need to compete with her, any new guy she’s dating, or anything of the sort.

The focus should be on you and what you want with your life, while letting go of the relationship that played such a large role. Yes, it can take time, but getting over a breakup cannot happen when you are in constant comparison and competition.

Unless a reconciliation is in the cards, the relationship is done, and the natural growing apart is going to take place. Getting stuck in the past on how things used to be, is just going to lead to very unhappy results for you, regardless of whether or not she is actually happy. It’s ultimately irrelevant.

None of this is to say of course, that you shouldn’t take any lessons from the relationship ending. If she is happier without you, was there any thing that you can actually change about yourself to improve in the future? Or were the issues not things you can change  about yourself (which just means that two people aren’t fully compatible).

In the end, it is never truly about her and her happiness or lack thereof…it is all about you and how you react to the situation. It’s basically ego, “Why is she happy without me? Am I not good enough?” “What’s so great about her new boyfriend? I’m better than him.”

The only way to get past this sort of self-centered thinking is to let go of it all and realize that her life is not about you. Let go of worrying about what she’s doing and focus on what’s best for your life without these kind of thoughts weighing you down.