As a straight male, I’ve never actually had to get my ex-boyfriend back from another girl (full disclosure :p). However, as a man I feel that I can offer a different perspective on the end of your relationship and whether or not you can start anew with him, even if he has a new girlfriend. Now, just to be upfront about things, for many women reading this: your relationship is most likely over for good and you should move on with your life. I know that sucks to hear in the middle of emotional turmoil but it’s not the end of the world, it’s simply a change that needs to be dealt with. Now, let us get started and delve a little bit further into this topic.
The First Thing I Ask You to Consider
The first and most paramount step that I recommend that anyone take before pursuing getting back together with their ex is to truly analyze things and figure out if that is truly what you want. You might be thinking, Of course that’s what I want, that’s how I ended up on this website!
Believe me, I completely understand the raw emotion and hurt that comes along with a breakup or seeing your significant other with someone else. It feels terrible and it isn’t a very pleasant experience, however, it is one which we almost all will have to face in life. As such, it is important to learn how to get through it and learn to grow from this change.
Emotion obviously clouds good judgment. Most people won’t react to everyday problems with nearly the same intensity as that of a break up and this is entirely based on the amount of emotions and attachment that is involved.
This is why a long period of no contact is so important after a relationship ends because it allows both parties to have space apart and avoid the strong emotional triggers. Plus, with time emotional attachments tend to weaken.
With that being said, while you’re in an emotional state of mind, you will of course feel like you want your ex-boyfriend back even if a rational assessment of the situation would reveal that it is best just to forget about him.
After all, the relationship ended for a reason (probably multiple reasons), which means that it fundamentally had some problems. What were those problems? Would getting back together solve them? Can they be solved? The relationship would be different than it had been before, will there be lingering resentments, is the spark gone, would this even work long-term?
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See…these are the types of things that need to be thought through before even considering getting back into a relationship with that person. Take off the rose colored glasses and look at the relationship as it was and not as an idealized version of itself. Look at your flaws as well as his flaws and take your time, with as few emotions interfering as possible…take your time, as this step is very important.
This is an assessment into your life and what you want going forward. Not just about who you date, but what you want to do in your career, or even how you want to spend the next immediate few months.
Is he actually worth it? Does he fit actually fit into your vision for the future or is it habit and loneliness, that has you chasing him? People often figure out after some time apart from their exes, that they’ve grown as a person, and no longer need that same relationship.
It’s happened to me, multiple times. For months, I’d feel like I wanted to get one of my ex-girlfriends back. Then, with time, I would realize that they weren’t a good fit for me and my future. Maybe they were great for the old version of me, but with where I wanted to go and who I was becoming, they no longer meshed.
A Quick Insight into the Mindset of Men (In general, specific circumstances may vary)
Despite some insinuations to the contrary, men and women are different. That is, our thoughts and natural desires in terms of the male and female interaction (mating, dating, whatever you want to call it), are not the same nor is our approach. It’s sometimes said that men are not capable of love…this is not true at all, in fact, we can fall ‘in love’ very quickly with a woman who piques our interest. This is often a detriment for many guys who:
- Fall in love with a girl first and then she loses interest
- Guys who are inexperienced or don’t have options, in terms of women to choose from
This becomes a problem in our dating life, because we meet women who are only a pretty good fit for us. Then, we don’t have any other girls around to offset those emotions, that this ‘pretty good match’ stirs up in us.
We can end up ‘catching feelings’ and find ourselves in a bad relationship. All of this, stems from our lack of experience with relationship dynamics, and our abilities to handle complex emotions….it’s not our skill set.
A man’s attraction skill set (the one he’s supposed to develop) is all based on the short-term. We, for the most part, don’t go out looking for relationships but end up finding ourselves in one later and wondering what happened?
This skill set we’ve had to develop in our life, consists of how we walk, talk, act, dress, look, speak to you, what we do for a living, our values, social standing, etc. All of these are variables which go into attracting women to us and getting them to want to have sex with us. I can hear the accusatory voices rising:
See, all men want is sex?
Well, to paraphrase the great comedian Patrice O’Neal…sex is all I want, if that’s all you’ve got!
Our skill set, is how we build our lives in totality. Everything that we are and can demonstrate, are short-term tools to attract many women to us. It’s completely short-term and gets us lots of options to choose from when done well.
Women, in the short-term, don’t need to have this skill set in order to attract guys. The fact that you look attractive, attracts us…we don’t particularly care too much about all the other qualities about you at first. It’s just that one superficial aspect (again this is a generalization, obviously specific circumstances may vary).
What this means though, is that women’s true attractive skill set, becomes a factor later in the relationship. For a woman to keep us in a long-term relationship, she has to be better than our other options.
A man usually wants to get with (at least on biological/sexual level), pretty much any attractive girl that crosses his path….it really is like that for us and has been for most of our lives. Our inclination is to have multiple women around.
However, the right woman with that long-term attractive skill set can make us stay around and stay faithful, if she’s that good. Note: some guys, again, simply have no options…it takes nothing for a girl to keep them around because they’re desperate, which only serves to make them even more unattractive to women. So a girl being better than his options, means nothing if he has no options.
Yes, but what does this all mean?
I wanted to bring all of this up because I need to explain a bit of what our mindset is after we are broken up from our girlfriends. Again, this is dependent on the man’s skill set (his ability to attract women).
Guys who can attract women easily, will go out and do so post-breakup, while guys who cannot are usually the one’s who sit around and pine over their ex for many months or years. Let us focus on the guys who can attract women and what happens post-breakup.
After guys get out of a relationship, it is just as bad as it is for women. In fact, I think that it can be worse for us initially because it usually catches us unprepared.
For some period of time after that, we are sad about things and tend to miss our ex a lot, as the post-breakup period can be like coming off of an addiction. We get so used to having someone around, who is so very close to us. Someone who we’ve spent a lot of time with, that a void develops in our existence after a relationship ends.
How long that period goes on depends on the guy, the length of the relationship, the intensity, etc. However, when that time period of feeling bad has passed, we begin the process of moving on.
For us, a part of moving on generally means getting more girls in our lives. Sometimes, we go on a spree, and have 5+ girls on call whenever we want to see them to ‘help’ to forget about our ex.
After months, this circle of girls can be reduced down to one girl. This one girl is most likely the ‘new girlfriend’ that your ex is currently seeing. Now, the key thing to recognize is that, this relationship may or may not mean anything. Sometimes, it just helps to have some kind of relationship to help you get through the loneliness, even if it doesn’t end up being serious.
In other cases, he might end up with a woman, that he already knew prior to the breakup. In this case, she was his best option available, and he went with it. This can often be a rebound relationship, as if we can get a woman easily to help distract from the post-breakup emotions, we will. It may be serious, but I’d say, it is more unlikely to be all that serious.
How Can You Tell if It’s Serious?
The main indicators of a serious relationship for a guy are the length of time involved and whether or not he is showing interest in other girls (including you). When we get involved with a girl there is usually a process of us having to cut out the other girls we were seeing or talking to in order to make our new girl not feel slighted. Check out this post for signs to look out for if your ex is still interested.
If it has also been several months that he and his new girlfriend have been together, then, odds are it is probably pretty serious. Which means for you, that reconciliation most likely isn’t going to happen (in the immediate term), and you need to begin the process of letting them go (even if there’s still a chance, prepare for the most likely outcome).
Another sign to look for is, how long after the break up, did he get involved with this new woman? There are other variables to consider, but generally, if he gets into another relationship within a month or so…it’s probably not that serious. It can be, but it is most likely just a rebound relationship.
A guy being in a rebound relationship, isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Once the immediate excitement of being with someone new wears off, comparisons set in, and we see how she stacks up versus other women we dated. If she is a step back in his mind from what you provided, that rebound relationship, will in all likelihood be on the way out.
What To Do Post-Breakup
I would follow the same steps post-breakup whether I wanted to pursue my ex or not. Regardless, of outcome I would go no contact with them for at least a month before even attempting to do anything.
In the rest of my life, I would work on improving myself in a multitude of ways: appearance, health, get new hobbies, financially, meet new people, learn new things, work on my emotional health, fix my flaws that contributed to the end of the relationship, and whatever else I needed to work on.
Remember, he has to see you as better than his options, in order to want to be with you. Unless you had a complete falling out with one another, you probably still have a ton of currency with him and a place in his heart…working on improving you, increases your odds (but still guarantees nothing).
The reason for this is to fall back and regroup emotionally. It is also to give your ex-boyfriend space with his new girlfriend and not see you as being desperate by constantly calling him or texting him.
Don’t ever take shots or be jealous towards his new girlfriend, as that is a huge turnoff for guys and will make him resent you and will NOT make him want to take you back.
I know it can be difficult to control the urge to speak to him or to compare yourself to the new girl, but you have to keep things calm and those wild emotions in check. These sorts of outbursts and attacks DO NOT HELP AT ALL. They harm your odds by making you appear petty, desperate, and unattractive. All bad things, when you want to catch a man’s attention, in a positive way.
Yes, the first step to take is to ‘forget’ about him and his new chick for the time being and focus completely on yourself and your well-being. You don’t have to forget about him in actuality just don’t contact him, don’t accept his calls or respond to his texts, if you see him in person be brief and cordial and don’t beg for him to come back.
This period of time needs to be about you and healing yourself so that you can decide rationally what you want for your future. At the end of it, you might very well realize that he isn’t in your future plans and you can feel good about your decision to move on from that relationship.
Once that period of no contact is over you can make the decision to want to try and get him back….
What’s the first move?
Obviously, in order to attempt to re-start a relationship, contact has to be reestablished with your ex. With all of the technology we have at our disposal today, perhaps, text messaging is the most logical choice to reach out to an ex once again.
Think about it:
- They don’t have to agree to meet you face to face right away.
- That message can sit on their phone until they are ready to respond. More time equals a greater chance.
- You can craft the right message to them.
- It’s a private and personal way of communication.
Here is relationship expert Michael Fiore. explaining texts as a form of communication for relationships:
Hopefully, you took the opportunity to download the two free reports towards the top of the post, that help to lay out some of the dos and don’ts of texting your ex. Both of which were written by Mr. Fiore as an introduction to his “Text Your Ex Back”.
Text Your Ex Back is a full mp3 audio and ebook program which has helped thousands of people reignite things with their exes by following Michael Fiore’s advice. He has been on a number of shows including Rachel Ray’s to discuss his methods for romance.
Here is what some of Text Your Ex Back’s users had to say about their success with the program:
“Not only did this program change my relationship with what i feel is the most incredible and unique girl i have met so far in my life, but you actually helped me change my life for the better. Ever thought this could be a life changing event for someone? Not to mention how inexpensive and how user friendly the program is, no amount of money or words could express how truly grateful i am for what you have done for me as a man. And for that i would just like to say…Thank You!”- Matthew R.
“My ex was almost begging me to take him back” I love your program ! It’s so much worth it !! My ex came to me yesterday and was almost begging me to take him back !!! Just as you said it !! Thank you Michael !!!
“Hi Mike. Good program. The 30 days of no contact was crucial – helped work through myself, thoughts and feelings and work on my physical side – mind body and spirit. The “I like myself” exercise is extremely insightful as it reminds ourselves of who we are. My ex and I are giving at another go – small steps but all great journeys start with small steps. Talk was the game opener – being in our 50’s we did more talking face to face than texting but adapted some of the principles in this program. Thanks for helping me find myself first so I could have the opportunity to find my ex.”- Paul
If you are serious about wanting to get back with your ex, please click the image below to watch a free video and try “Text Your Ex Back” with a full 60 day money back guarantee:
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