At some point in the time period after a breakup, questions can begin to rise internally about what your next move should be and even if you should accept your ex-boyfriend back into your life. This can be a confusing time filled with distraught and severe loneliness, that often times causes one to look for the quickest fix to help themselves feel ‘normal’ again. It is during these emotional crises, that we can make bad decisions based off of what we feel instead of what is the right choice for us to make. Should I take my ex back? Is he really that bad of a guy? He can change, right? And a whole host of other questions cloud our minds and effect our judgement. One of these questions could be, “Should I accept him back into my life, after he hurt me?”
So You’ve Been Hurt…
The most basic advice that I would start with is whether your ex hurt you physically or emotionally or both. If physically, the answer of if you should get back together is a clear, no! If that’s your situation it may be advisable to seek counseling and weaken the feelings of dependency you have towards him and simply move on with your life.
If on the other hand, this guy only hurt you emotionally, you may want to consider the depth of that hurt and what about his character allowed him to scar you in this way. Now, emotional hurt can be as bad and sometimes worse than that of the physical. It is a deep-seated pain that comes into your life when someone who is that close to you, does something to betray your trust or intentionally tries to hurt your psychologically. So, it is important to get to the root of this pain and determine the severity of it.
Did He Cheat?
Some people have open relationships and that’s fine. However, for the vast majority of people, there are clearly understood boundaries of monogamy that once crossed usually spell the end of a relationship. If this is the situation which you are currently mired in, I think the best course of action is not to get back together with him.
Ask yourself, what has changed? Is he suddenly not going to make the same mistake again? Will you be able to accept the fact that he cheated and not let it affect your reconciliation? The relationship has fundamentally changed, so even if the two of you do decide to get back together, is it a situation in which the two of you can grow stronger together? Answer honestly about why you would even want to be with someone who cheats on you in the first place? Dependency and not having a clear option to replace him are not acceptable answers.
What are His Intentions?
Another determining factor that you should consider, if you are thinking about taking him back is why he wants you back (if he does). Did he honestly realize he’s made a mistake and is actively trying to change and make things better? Or is it more of a case that he currently has no other girls to date, feels lonely, and his attachment to you is strong enough to make him want you (at least for the time being)?
Post-breakup can be a confusing time for him as well. He may be convinced that he wants to be back together with you, even if, deep down he truly doesn’t. Take what he says with a grain of salt and pay attention to his actions. Whether or not he follows through with what he says he’ll do is extremely important. Also, even if he does, that is no guarantee that you should take him back either.
What do You Want?
Emotions and loneliness aside, what is it that you want for your life? If it is unclear at this point, don’t jump back into a relationship. An irrational decision can be a costly decision to make and have you ending up being stuck with someone wrong for you for a very long time. You cannot have a successful relationship anyways, if you are not first happy with yourself and have an idea of how you want your life to be in the future.
Can he realistically be a part of those plans? Take the time for yourself, where you can be alone for a while and gain clarity about what you want and how you should proceed. You may come to realize that he is completely wrong for you and there are literally billions of other men on this planet and that some percentage of them would be much better suited for you. I know, I know, meeting people is hard but great ones do come along if you put yourself out there and make the attempt to meet them.
You cannot make a major decision like this from a position of weakness. Emotions will deceive you or bait you into thinking that you are making a solid decision by taking him back, even when that’s definitely not the case at all. Do your due diligence, be happy with yourself, determine where you want to go in your life, determine if he fits with that plan, and figure out if there are much better options for you out there than just getting back in a fallen relationship.