After getting dumped it is a common thing for guys to want to get back together with their now, ex-girlfriend. It is a very confusing and emotional time after a break up because one has to deal with such a major change in their lives and must find a way forward with or without the girl. Whatever happened in the situation these kinds of severe emotions can take their toll on a person and make people want to repair a relationship to what it was before. The first thing that needs to be clear about a break up is that the underlying relationship will never be the ‘same’. It can be rekindled and fixed but it will always have to become a newer and better functioning relationship in order to move forward.
The ending of relationships are more often than not caused by more than just one problem. So, thoughts of wishing you could go back and change one thing are ultimately pointless and counterproductive to getting things back on track. The first major choice one has to make before trying to get back with an ex-girlfriend is if that is truly what you want or are you just chasing something you lost because you are currently in an emotional state. Before getting into steps to take to try to re-kindle a relationship, I am going to go over the reasons why it might not be such a hot idea right now. Getting a clear view of what you really want will help to decide what the next course of action should be.
Getting Past the Haze
Viewing a relationship through rose tinted glasses and idealizing your ex-girlfriend can be a really bad road to travel down. It is a good idea, however, to take a look at a relationship in as harsh and brutal light as possible. Really get down to brass tacks and examine what the relationship was truly like. It couldn’t have been all sunshine and rainbows, right? This means make an honest assessment of what the problems were between the two of you. Was there too much fighting? Did someone cheat? Seriously, what were the issues that led to the end?
If the girl broke up with you, things couldn’t have been going quite as well as you perhaps thought they were. She had her reasons for dumping you and even if you don’t know what those reasons are, that is no reason to deny their existence. Things may have been good between the two of you for a long time but broke down enough to where it was time for the relationship to end, at least on her part. It isn’t always a good idea to get back together for this very reason, things have changed to the point where the old feelings or ideals of being together are no longer valid. In this situation, trying to make the relationship work is like chasing a past point in time which can no longer be reality.
Dependency Can Be the Problem
Love is an addiction in very simple terms. Emotionally and physically the feelings can be so intense, that when a break up occurs it can feel like a withdrawal of some kind of drug. Conditioning of your behavior and expectations occurs during a relationship. You expect her to be there and it is reinforced day after day. Once she is gone though, that pattern is broken, and that stimulus is no longer being fulfilled. When those things are gone and nothing replaces that stimulus, it is easy to feel down. Staying away from drugs and alcohol is always a good idea but especially after a loss because it becomes an endless search to fill the gap of positive feelings.
True happiness is something which can only come from within one’s self. If happiness is ever dependent on another person, drug, food, experience or whatever, that happiness will disappear the moment that external force is taken away. Relationships should come about to enhance one’s life, not to fill the internal emptiness, that one can feel when not in love. Since a dependency on another person has occurred, it is a good idea to let the fresh wounds of their absence heal. This is why the no contact rule, can be a fantastic tool to use after a break up, as it allows a person to re-acclimate themselves to a life without that other person. From there, that person can see what the next step to take is, with a clear mind.
Time Heals Wounds
The mind can play tricks on you immediately following a break up. That addictive quality of love makes one feel as if there is no life without that person being around and we tend to idealize them as something greater than they actually were. Idealization happens quite frequently and can trick you into thinking that your ex-girlfriend was the “One” for you and there are no other girls out there that can compare. Trust me, I’ve had the same feelings myself in the past. At the time, it felt like a tremendous loss and as if I was a broken man. However, time passed and now those same girls really never cross my mind and if they do it is certainly not because I want to start a new version of our old relationship.
Time is important for this very reason, it can be damn near impossible to figure things out after a break up because the emotional turmoil is so high. Making bad decisions when you’re emotional can cost you big time in the end and way more than had you simply waited for the storm to pass and allowing yourself to become rational again. You can’t become one of those guys who becomes obsessive about the past and who’s life stagnates simply because he won’t let go of some idealized version of his previous life.
Has the Situation Really Improved Enough?
There were definite reasons for a relationship to end. There was a betrayal of trust or maybe you two just simply drifted apart. Let’s say for the sake of argument, that, you and your ex were back together today. What has changed to make things work this time? Have you two agreed as to what the legitimate issues were with the relationship? Things aren’t going to work if he thinks that you’re a liar and you think that you’re the paragon of truth and virtue. Was the time apart a relationship repair? Probably not. Accept the truth. If you two have simply moved down different paths in life, accept that the relationship is over, and get started on where you want to end up in the future. Don’t go back just to feel safe or because suddenly you’re dating options seem really limited, things aren’t going to go back to how they were. Many times, getting back together is just a bad idea, and is a result of both people clamoring for something which feels certain when they don’t know what to do next. Sometimes it’s best to just accept things as they now are and learn from what has been, so that your future relationships can go a bit smoother.
The next step is to gain clarity in one’s life and learn how to grow as a person without your ex-girlfriend being in your life.
Here are some helpful posts:
Remember when I wrote about the importance of letting time pass? Here is where that takes on another layer of importance. With time, the bad things about your relationship tend to fade in your former partner’s memory. This doesn’t mean that time has solved all of the problems but what it does mean is that if they truly do miss you on some level, they can start thinking about the positive aspects of what once was.
If you have played things correctly up until this point, the two of you have spent significant time apart from one another, and you have both grown up and improved yourself as a person. You have had time to reflect on whether or not getting back together is a good choice to make or not. While they, have also had time to consider what their life is like without you. From experience, the girls who wanted to come back always made the first move in contacting me. I would always get a text or online message saying something like, “Hey, I was just thinking about you and wanted to see how you are doing.” Or something like, “I was driving over by (insert place) and it reminded me of (some time spent together).”
If they do not contact you first, after a month or more apart from each other with no contact and you working on yourself, then it may be time to consider opening a dialogue with them. When you get to this point, however, you must be absolutely certain that you do indeed want them back and are accepting of the fact that there is no guarantee that they will get back together with you.
You need to have better reasons to get back together with someone, other than simply, missing them or being hurt without them. That’s just missing an addiction and not the foundation of a healthy relationship. Do the pros of being together with this person really outweigh the cons enough to invest that kind of time and energy into trying to make it work? There are plenty of people out there who are good fits for each other but those who are truly great fits are few and far between. Be honest with yourself about what you want and who this person truly is.
What’s the first move?
Obviously, in order to attempt to re-start a relationship, contact has to be reestablished with your ex. With all of the technology we have at our disposal today, perhaps, text messaging is the most logical choice to reach out to an ex once again.
Think about it:
- They don’t have to agree to meet you face to face right away.
- That message can sit on their phone until they are ready to respond. More time equals a greater chance.
- You can craft the right message to them.
- It’s a private and personal way of communication.
Here is relationship expert Michael Fiore. explaining texts as a form of communication for relationships:
Hopefully, you took the opportunity to download the two free reports towards the top of the post, that help to lay out some of the dos and don’ts of texting your ex. Both of which were written by Mr. Fiore as an introduction to his “Text Your Ex Back”.
Text Your Ex Back is a full mp3 audio and ebook program which has helped thousands of people reignite things with their exes by following Michael Fiore’s advice. He has been on a number of shows including Rachel Ray’s to discuss his methods for romance.
Here is what some of Text Your Ex Back’s users had to say about their success with the program:
“Not only did this program change my relationship with what i feel is the most incredible and unique girl i have met so far in my life, but you actually helped me change my life for the better. Ever thought this could be a life changing event for someone? Not to mention how inexpensive and how user friendly the program is, no amount of money or words could express how truly grateful i am for what you have done for me as a man. And for that i would just like to say…Thank You!”- Matthew R.
“My ex was almost begging me to take him back” I love your program ! It’s so much worth it !! My ex came to me yesterday and was almost begging me to take him back !!! Just as you said it !! Thank you Michael !!!
“Hi Mike. Good program. The 30 days of no contact was crucial – helped work through myself, thoughts and feelings and work on my physical side – mind body and spirit. The “I like myself” exercise is extremely insightful as it reminds ourselves of who we are. My ex and I are giving at another go – small steps but all great journeys start with small steps. Talk was the game opener – being in our 50’s we did more talking face to face than texting but adapted some of the principles in this program. Thanks for helping me find myself first so I could have the opportunity to find my ex.”- Paul
If you are serious about wanting to get back with your ex, please click the image below to watch a free video and try “Text Your Ex Back” with a full 60 day money back guarantee: