At some point in time after a break up takes place, you may run into an ex or see pictures of her on social media, and she looks super into how her life currently is. You know, the one that no longer really involves you. The thought will then cross a man’s mind, “Is my ex-girlfriend really happy without me?” It can be quite a blow to our ego/self-esteem to realize that there indeed may be a bright future for someone that we cared about and no longer has anything to do with us. In this post, I want to explore this phenomenon a bit, and how to deal with the realization that an ex-girlfriend may be happier afterward…and why it ultimately shouldn’t matter.
What is happiness?
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So, before I directly delve into whether or not an ex-girlfriend is actually happier without you and/or with her new rebound boyfriend, I want to try to gain an understanding of happiness. Despite its common usage, ‘happiness’, is actually kind of a nebulous term.
What is happiness? Is it that warm positive emotion or is it some kind of internal sense of satisfaction? Is it something that is continuous or is it a fleeting moment of everything seeming to be ‘right’ in one’s life?
One thing that us human beings are really good at is making ourselves the center of attention in our own minds. We say or think things like, “Why is everyone else happy BUT me!” The real question should be, “Are any of those people you’re thinking about really happy?” And if so, what does happiness mean to them?
There are plenty of folks who outwardly seem happy and have plenty of photos on Facebook and Instagram to prove it to you. Like a duck on water, everything is seemingly calm on the surface, while their legs are churning like crazy below just to keep afloat. There are a ton of people just like that, outwardly it seems like everything is all good, but inwardly…they’re falling apart.
The question of whether or not an ex is ‘happier’ without you, really comes down to the definition of what one means by happiness. Is it the feeling? Is it some contentment? Or does she feel better off without you in her life?
Is She Happier?
Perhaps. That doesn’t make it a bad thing for you, though. The fact of the matter is, the vast majority of relationships will fail eventually. It’s just a part of the game. Things can grow stale, people grow apart, or that particular relationship no longer provides the same benefits that it once did. For instance, there are girls that I dated around the age of 21, who I liked a whole lot at that point in time. Our time together was great. However, fast forward to the age of 30, and if we tried to date one another it would be an utter disaster. We aren’t in the same place in our lives anymore for it to be a good fit.
You can be perfectly content to be involved with someone else and then a few months later, the situation no longer fits you. In this sense, a person may indeed be happier without their ex in their lives, but it’s really just being in a different mindset and/or wanting to go in a new direction. I mean, think about how many women you have liked/been attracted to, in your life. Was it always this one girl? What happened to the other one’s that you had a crush on or a full blown relationship with? When did they suddenly feel less special in your own mind?
Times change and people change and this may exactly be what happened with your ex. Now is she happier without you? She might not even know the answer to that question.
What does it matter?
Let’s just for sake of argument assume that your ex-girlfriend is indeed happier without you and possibly with someone else. What of it?
Again, the two of you may no longer (or never were) a great fit, even if you still think that you are. Hell, it might still theoretically be a good relationship, if it worked out. However, a successful relationship cannot be had while one person isn’t completely into it (her), even if the other person is (possibly you).
Secondly, if she is happy shouldn’t you be glad that she’s doing well (if you care for her still)? At the very least, if you don’t care about her or she screwed you over, isn’t it best to be indifferent towards what she does now?
The danger in the post-breakup period is to get into this comparison competition of who is doing ‘better’ after the split. What nonsense. You do not need to compete with her, any new guy she’s dating, or anything of the sort.
The focus should be on you and what you want with your life, while letting go of the relationship that played such a large role. Yes, it can take time, but getting over a breakup cannot happen when you are in constant comparison and competition.
Unless a reconciliation is in the cards, the relationship is done, and the natural growing apart is going to take place. Getting stuck in the past on how things used to be, is just going to lead to very unhappy results for you, regardless of whether or not she is actually happy. It’s ultimately irrelevant.
None of this is to say of course, that you shouldn’t take any lessons from the relationship ending. If she is happier without you, was there any thing that you can actually change about yourself to improve in the future? Or were the issues not things you can change about yourself (which just means that two people aren’t fully compatible).
In the end, it is never truly about her and her happiness or lack thereof…it is all about you and how you react to the situation. It’s basically ego, “Why is she happy without me? Am I not good enough?” “What’s so great about her new boyfriend? I’m better than him.”
The only way to get past this sort of self-centered thinking is to let go of it all and realize that her life is not about you. Let go of worrying about what she’s doing and focus on what’s best for your life without these kind of thoughts weighing you down.