After getting dumped it is a common thing for guys to want to get back together with their now, ex-girlfriend. It is a very confusing and emotional time after a break up, because one has to deal with such a major change in their lives, and must find a way forward with or without the girl.
Whatever happened in the situation, these kinds of severe emotions can take their toll on a person and make people want to repair a relationship to what it was before.
The first thing that needs to be clear about getting an ex back quickly is that the underlying relationship will never be the ‘same’.
It can be rekindled and fixed but it will always have to become a newer and better functioning relationship in order to move forward.
The ending of relationships are more often than not caused by more than just one problem. So, thoughts of wishing you could go back and change one thing are ultimately pointless, and counterproductive to getting things back on track.
The first major choice one has to make before trying to win back an ex-girlfriend is if that is truly what you want or are you just chasing something you lost because you are currently in an emotional state.
Before getting into steps to take to try to re-kindle a relationship, I am going to go over the reasons why it might not be such a hot idea right now. Getting a clear view of what you really want will help to decide what the next course of action should be.
Need more help? Click here to receive two free reports: “3 Toxic Texts You Should NEVER Send Your EX” and a mapped plan of the “Text Your Ex Back” process.
Part I: Dealing with Emotions and Do You Actually Want Her Back?
Getting Past the Haze
Viewing a relationship through rose tinted glasses and idealizing your ex-girlfriend can be a really bad road to travel down.
It is a good idea, however, to take a look at a relationship in as harsh and brutal light as possible. Really get down to brass tacks and examine what the relationship was truly like.
It couldn’t have been all sunshine and rainbows, right? This means make an honest assessment of what the problems were between the two of you. Question the whole thing.
Was there too much fighting? Did someone cheat? What were the things you could’ve done better? What were the issues that she had, which you felt were bothersome? Seriously, what were the issues that led to the end?
Even if you do end up getting her back fast, how long would it be before these problems rear their ugly head again?
If the woman broke up with you, things couldn’t have been going quite as well as you perhaps thought they were. She had her reasons for dumping you. and even if you don’t know what those reasons are, that is no reason to deny their existence.
I know that there is a lot of comfort, in not being too critical of our own faults. However, an honest assessment doesn’t have to be a tearing down of one’s self-worth. It is constructive criticism in order to attempt for us to solve a problem.
Things may have been good between the two of you for a long time but broke down enough to where it was time for the relationship to end, at least on her part.
It isn’t always a good idea to get back together for this very reason, things have changed to the point where the old feelings or ideals of being together are no longer valid.
In this situation, trying to make the relationship work is like chasing a past point in time, which can no longer be reality. This is the reason the site also includes the words, ‘or move on’, as not all relationships are worth saving.
Meaning, both parties would be better served in their lives, by being apart. Yes, it doesn’t always feel that way in the moment, but time can definitely make things quite apparent to us.
Dependency Can Be the Problem
Love is an addiction in very simple terms. Emotionally and physically the feelings can be so intense, that when a break up occurs it can feel like a withdrawal of some kind of drug.
Conditioning of your behavior and expectations; occurs during a relationship. You expect her to be there and it is reinforced day after day. Once she is gone though, that pattern is broken, and that stimulus is no longer being fulfilled.
When those things are gone and nothing replaces that stimulus, it is easy to feel down. Staying away from drugs and alcohol is always a good idea, but especially after a loss, because it becomes an endless search to fill the gap of positive feelings.
True happiness is something which can only come from within one’s self. If happiness is ever dependent on another person, drug, food, experience or whatever, that happiness will disappear the moment that external force is taken away.
Relationships should come about to enhance one’s life, not to fill the internal emptiness, that one can feel when not in love.
Since a dependency on another person has occurred, it is a good idea to let the fresh wounds of their absence heal. This is why the no contact rule, can be a fantastic tool to use after a break up, as it allows a person to re-acclimate themselves to a life without that other person.
From there, that person can see what the next step to take is, with a clear mind.
This dependency on another person can be so strong, as to make someone feel like they want to fix the broken relationship, even when that’s not actually the case.
There are plenty of guys who rationally know that their ex-girlfriends aren’t the right person for them, yet will still chase after her, just to help soothe that emptiness.
Time Heals Wounds
The mind can play tricks on you immediately following a break up. That addictive quality of love makes one feel as if there is no life without that person being around and we tend to idealize them as something greater than they actually were.
Idealization happens quite frequently and can trick you into thinking that your ex-girlfriend was the “One” for you and there are no other girls out there that can compare.
Trust me, I’ve had the same feelings myself in the past. At the time, it felt like a tremendous loss and as if I was a broken man.
However, time passed and now those same girls really never cross my mind and if they do it is certainly not because I want to start a new version of our old relationship.
The pull towards the familiar and comfortable is strong, while the fear of the unknown is repellent. Think about other women you’ve dated in the past, do those old break ups bother you still?
I hope not. Most likely you’re like me, and don’t think about those chicks any more, even if the relationship felt ‘really serious’ at the time.
Time is important for this very reason, it can be damn near impossible to figure things out after a break up because the emotional turmoil is so high.
Making bad decisions when you’re emotional, can cost you big time, in the end. It can cost way more, than had you simply waited for the storm to pass, and allowing yourself to become rational again.
You can’t become one of those guys who becomes obsessive about the past and who’s life stagnates simply because he won’t let go of some idealized version of his previous life.
Winning a woman back, goes way beyond just figuring out what to say to her, to mend the broken relationship. It’s also about you, as a man, being in a healthy mental state and comfortable with the outcome…even when she chooses not to get back together.
I’ve seen too many guys chasing after women and broken relationships, based solely on their inability to deal with loneliness, neediness, and just overall low self-esteem.
It’s a very common. It’s an easy way to get stuck, in bad relationships or never get over the one’s, that didn’t work out. This is not something to be overlooked.
Has the Situation Really Improved Enough?
There were definite reasons for a relationship to end. There was a betrayal of trust or maybe you two just simply drifted apart. Let’s say for the sake of argument, that, you and your ex were back together today. What has changed to make things work this time?
Have you two agreed as to what the legitimate issues were with the relationship? Things aren’t going to work if she thinks that you’re a liar and you think that you’re the paragon of truth and virtue.
Was the time apart a relationship repair? Probably not.
Accept the truth. If you two have simply moved down different paths in life, accept that the relationship is over, and get started on where you want to end up in the future.
Don’t go back just to feel safe or because suddenly you’re dating options seem really limited, things aren’t going to go back to how they were.
Many times, getting back together is just a bad idea, and is a result of both people clamoring for something which feels certain when they don’t know what to do next.
Sometimes it’s best to just accept things as they now are and learn from what has been, so that your future relationships can go a bit smoother.
Then, there are the specific challenges to a broken relationship. Sometimes, one of the two persons, has already moved on to someone else.
Not only would one have to contend with fixing any relationship issues, but also potentially try to win back the girlfriend from someone else or determine if it’s just a rebound relationship or even just mentally cope with her sleeping with someone else.
All of these outstanding factors contribute to the likelihood of getting an ex to return to a relationship. There’s no guarantee of reconciliation, but there does need to be an acceptance of this fact, and a plan to move forward if the desired outcome isn’t achieved.
Part II: What’s Next? No Contact Rule
Ok, so, the first aspect of this whole getting you ex back process, is to do an honest assessment of the relationship.
Then comes, the second part, which can run in sync with the assessment aspect. This is the period of No Contact.
This is to identify the problems, make sure that trying to fix things is actually what you want, or if you should just move on with your life.
Remember when I wrote about the importance of letting time pass? Here is where that takes on another layer of importance. With time, the bad things about your relationship tend to fade in your former partner’s memory.
This doesn’t mean that time has solved all of the problems but what it does mean is that if they truly do miss you on some level, they can start thinking about the positive aspects of what once was.
This is where the No Contact Rule comes into play. It is a 30-45 day period of radio silence, so to speak.
This time period allows you to get yourself together emotionally, let’s any anger or resentment cool off a bit, and prevents you from chasing her and coming off as needy and desperate.
Why No Contact? It acts as a reset period, where both people, can experience things apart without interference. This really helps with the clarity about what to do next.
It also allows for a bit of mystery. She is much more apt, to regain some interest, if she doesn’t have a constant reminder of what you’re up to.
Too many guys go into complete chase mode, which pretty much serves to push the girl away, even further. If begging and pleading was so successful, there’d be a whole lot more reconciled relationships.
Part III: What to do During No Contact and Beyond?
The period of No Contact is all about you and getting yourself right. Not just to get you back up to a normal emotional baseline, but also to improve yourself as a man, to face any future outcome from a position of strength.
I’ve always liked to utilize self-improvement right after a break up because:
- It benefits my mental and physical health
- A better version of me, is the more attractive version
- It can help bring clarity about what I want for my life
I usually break things down to the physical, mental/emotional, and life goals. So, during this period of trying to heal emotionally, and deal with the ex-girlfriend not being around; I use exercise, reading, meditation, and motivational speeches to keep the emotions in check and gain perspective.
I also take stock of my life and think of what goals I can set, achieve, or simply set a plan of where I want things to go…whether she comes back or not.
I’ve written more in depth on this period of being alone and how to get through it:
What Comes After the No Contact Period Ends?
If you have played things correctly up until this point, the two of you have spent significant time apart from one another, and you have both grown up and improved yourself as a person. You have had time to reflect on whether or not getting back together is a good choice to make or not. While they, have also had time to consider what their life is like without you.
From experience, the girls who for sure wanted to come back, usually made the first move in contacting me. I would always get a text or online message saying something like, “Hey, I was just thinking about you and wanted to see how you are doing.” Or something like, “I was driving over by (insert place) and it reminded me of (some time spent together).”
Don’t worry, if they don’t contact you, that doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t want to get back together. Just them reaching out first, can be a really good sign.
If they do not contact you first, after a month or more apart from each other with no contact and you working on yourself, then it may be time to consider opening a dialogue with them.
When you get to this point, however, you must be absolutely certain that you do indeed want them back and are accepting of the fact that there is no guarantee that they will get back together with you.
You need to have better reasons to get back together with someone, other than simply, missing them or being hurt without them. That’s just missing an addiction and not the foundation of a healthy relationship. Do the pros of being together with this person really outweigh the cons enough to invest that kind of time and energy into trying to make it work? There are plenty of people out there who are good fits for each other but those who are truly great fits are few and far between. Be honest with yourself about what you want and who this person truly is.
What’s the first move? Texting
After going through No Contact for 30-45 days, gaining mental clarity, and deciding that we do indeed want to attempt to reconcile with our ex-girlfriend…it is time to reach out and send the first message. With all of the technology we have at our disposal today, perhaps, text messaging is the most logical choice to reach out to an ex once again.
It only makes sense, as:
- There is no pressure to get them into a face to face meeting right away.
- The response time is unlimited. Maybe the text doesn’t get answered immediately, but it’s going be on their phone until they decide to engage with it.
- You can craft the right message to them and pique their interest after not communicating with them for a while.
- It’s a direct line of contact and one that has a higher response rate than random phone calls or trying to get them to talk to you while out and about.
Here is relationship expert Michael Fiore. explaining texts as a methodology for getting an ex’s attention:
Hopefully, you downloaded the two free reports that were mentioned near the top of the page, which lay out what not to do and say when texting an ex-girlfriend. Both of these reports were written by Michael Fiore as a part of his “Text Your Ex Back” program.
Text Your Ex Back is a full mp3 audio and ebook program which has helped thousands of people reignite things with their exes by following Mr. Fiore’s relationship advice.
He has been on a number of television shows, as seen above, to discuss his methods for fixing broken relationships, by starting with some simple texting strategies.