Break ups are tough to deal with under any circumstance, especially when that circumstance involves your now ex-girlfriend dating another guy. Sometimes, the new relationship starts before the breakup happens or a woman can quickly move on with their dating lives shortly after the old one has run its course. What happens, though, when you still want your ex-girlfriend back in a relationship with you and she is seeing another man? How do you go about reconciling the relationship? Can you even get her back from her new boyfriend?
What’s Your True Motivating Factor?
So, the first question that one should ask himself and be completely honest about is why do you want her back?
Is it because you truly love her and want to be with her in the long run? Is it more a feeling of jealousy because she is seeing someone else and now you crave her attention like a child who has lost his favorite toy?
Are you just feeling lonely after the two of you were no longer seeing each other? Is that loneliness making you think that things should be worked out when you should really move forward with your life?
This is highly important to figure out before you ever pursue any type of relationship with an ex. There is no use getting involved again in a relationship that is permanently broken and going nowhere. This is why following the No Contact Rule is such a good idea right after the break up because it gives the two people time apart from one another, to let emotions settle down, and rational decisions to be made.
Think about what you really want for your life moving forward. Let go of your ego’s jealous tendencies and stop focusing on your ex-girl and her new man. This is about discovering what YOU want!
If you cannot figure this out, then the best bet is not to try to get her back from this other guy. It’ll probably just be a long frustrating experience of you chasing the way things used to be instead of plotting a new future.
Too many people get caught up in this sort of cycle, constantly chasing after something that is no longer there. Even when relationships get reconciled, they have to grow and change, otherwise it’s just a matter of time before the breakup happens again. It’s like the old saying, “You can’t step into the same river twice.” The water is always moving and so is life.
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What Type of Relationship is She In?
Not all relationships following a breakup are the same. For instance, you might have tried to get past thinking about your old girlfriend by going out and hooking up with other girls.
Those aren’t serious relationships and just because your ex is in an exclusive relationship doesn’t mean that it is particularly serious either. She may very well have been lonely and just wanted someone else around.
She may be trying to figure out if this guy is a good fit. If she even wants to be in a serious relationship. Your ex girlfriend might just be involved in a rebound relationship, meaning it isn’t serious but she is just trying to get her bearings after getting out of a relationship with you.
If the relationship appears to be serious from your vantage point, it is best to just leave things alone and not try to interfere. You might still try to contact her, and win her over at some point, but don’t be petty and intentionally screw up things with her new boyfriend. That’s just a dick move.
Plus, trying to force her hand, will most certainly back fire. She’d probably double down on the relationship with the new guy, even if he’s not the right one, because you tried to openly sabotage things between them.
Determining the seriousness of this relationship, will indicate how difficult of a process it is going to be to win her back.
Understand, though, that even if her new relationship is just a rebound, that doesn’t mean that she will definitely want to get back together with you. Sometimes you can get an ex back and sometimes they are gone for good. That’s just something you have to accept, as a part of being in and out of relationships with women.
How to Deal with the Mental
A large part of being able to have a shot at getting an ex back, involves the psychology of the whole thing. See, a lot of people play things the wrong way from the very start.
It is a very emotionally turbulent time. Men don’t usually have these sorts of strong emotions, on a regular basis. So, when we get hit with a split, we don’t always cope well.
From there, our rationalizations and coping mechanisms kick in, and we try desperately to fix the broken relationship. In the process, we do dumb things like:
- text her constantly
- beg for her back
- say mean things
- try to meddle in her new relationship
- beat ourselves up
- do other jealous and overly emotional things
This is especially tough to get through, when she does have a new guy, because we start comparing ourselves to him. We worry about her sleeping with that dude. Even, forgetting about us.
Time apart from one another can be a very very good things, even when it is painful initially. The key thing for getting through break ups emotionally, is to have a plan for the future, and reinforce positive feelings.
During the No Contact period of a break up, I always do the same stuff, no matter if I’m trying or not trying to get back with my ex-girlfriend.
First, I specifically limit the amount of time each day that I’m allowed to be sad over her. I literally set aside a period of time each day, where I can feel those negative emotions. After that, I soldier on, and try to do nothing but absorb positive messages.
Why? I don’t want to reinforce negative patterns all day. Allowing my emotions to run over my life, just makes them stronger, and causes me to wallow for a longer time.
I also set the bar for positive emotions really low. I will listen to motivational speeches, watch comedy TV shows or movies, listen to upbeat music, exercise, etc. All of these activities, flood my brain with positive emotions, which is a nice change of pace from being miserable.
Next, I start to include meditation sessions and breathing techniques to let go of negative thought patterns. I work on those feelings of being angry, sad, or especially jealous of the other guy in this scenario. There are plenty of free guided meditations on YouTube…use them everyday, it will help!
Finally, I give myself other things to pursue. Yes, I focus on myself and my goals in life, outside of women. I have physical goals, business goal, or something specific that I want to accomplish. If all you have all day to think about is an ex, then, of course she is all you will think about.
What is Your Specific Situation?
It is really difficult to give generalized advice when your specific situation may vary. For example, one guy’s ex may still talk to him on a regular basis, while another guy’s ex totally ignores him.
One may have already done a period of no contact while the other guy may desperately text his ex daily.
A key thing here is, to determine what your own specific situation is like, and weigh the odds on how likely it is that you can still get your ex back (if you have already thought long and hard about it and still actually do want to try).
If she appears to be in a serious relationship, isn’t communicating with you very much or at all, and isn’t showing any signs that she is still interested in being with you…then it might be time to throw in the towel.
At the point, it’s just a really low percentage shot, you may get her back but it’ll be very difficult and will most likely not succeed.
If you think that your odds are better or your ex is still showing some indicators of interest, then you might consider trying to pursue reconciliation.
Should You Start Dating?
Ok, so, this question becomes a distinct personal decision for guys to make. For me, after a break up, I start moving fairly quickly into some non-serious dating with women. I don’t get involved in a new relationship, but I want myself to understand, that there are indeed a world of options out there.
But, wait…should one date, when he’s trying to get back with a specific girl? Well, she’s already dating, so how can she really hold it against you for doing the same? Plus, it can stir up feeling in women to see her ex with someone else.
For example, I remember being out one night, and chatting with a group of women. Another woman, who I used to date, saw this and suddenly had a ton of interest in what I was doing. She went from being ‘completely over me’, to later questioning me who those women were, and even trying to make something happen between us again.
There is the weird competitive jealousy that people get, when they see someone they used to be with, around with a new person. It’s a positive signal for a man, for his ex to see him around with new girls, as it kind of stirs up thoughts as to whether she missed something important about him. What do these other women see in him?
I get that, for lots of men, getting dates can be a difficult task to accomplish. I’m pretty convinced at this point, that this fact is a big reason, why so many go crawling back to their exes begging. They see that they have limited options with other women and panic.
It doesn’t have to be this way. There are unbelievable numbers of single women out there and it’s not terribly difficult to land some numbers, dates, and whatever. Heck, I’ve written two Kindle ebooks on the subject: Game Without Games: Attraction through Personal Growth and The Online Dating Book for Men.
Anyway, I find that when getting dates with other girls, it helps to clarify what I like and dislike about my ex-girlfriend. “Oh wait, that annoying shit she does, isn’t a universal female trait?” Getting to have other experiences with other women, is a good way to help to decide what you want and don’t want in your life.
You may come to discover, that the ex, wasn’t as good of a fit as you made her out to be in your mind. You might find someone that is a great match. Conversely, you may discover that you enjoy being single, and playing the field…which can be a fund choice, at times.
You don’t have to start seeing other women, but it is something to take into consideration, as trying to get back with someone who is dating another person…can take a long time to pull off.
Improve Your Standing for All Potential Outcomes
It should be helpful during this time to go No Contact with your ex (if you haven’t already done so) and then start working on improving yourself and your own life.
Remember, she has to see you as a better option to meet her needs overall, in order to want to be with you versus any other man.
Improve yourself in the physical sense with exercise, mentally, financially, work on any emotional issues, or any other problems that were causing trouble in the relationship, and just becoming a better man in general.
The good thing about this method is that even if you don’t end up getting back together with your ex, your value with other women will have shot up, and you should be able to have options thereafter.
It’s probably going to have to happen one way or another, so, it’s best to get started on improvement now. This path will help to heal the emotional pain that a breakup causes, as well as, giving one clarity about exactly what they want moving forward.
I think that the easiest thing to improve during this time is the physical. Most folks aren’t already in great shape, as such, going this route can be a good stress reliever and add a few points on the physical attractiveness scale.
Yes, every bit helps. She was already physically attracted to you once before, now amplify that for any potential new relationship, that rises from the ashes. Women do notice this stuff. I’ve had women I’ve dated years ago, comment or message me over a new picture, where I look particularly in shape.
One important aspect to focus on, is your weak points from the relationship. Everybody has their faults, especially in relation to someone else, what were yours?
There had to be reasons for the break up to take place. From your end, what were some negative things that you contributed to the demise of the relationship? What are some things that you can try to change, in the event that you get back together?
Be honest and figure this stuff out, as it can only help you when moving forward.
Shifting Towards Contact
Alright, the essential theme is to take the time to figure out what you want, stop pestering her during No Contact, set about improving your life, explore possibilities with other women, and then attempt to re-establish contact with the ex (if you still even want to).
This can take on many different looks, depending on your specific circumstances. I’ve had women get jealous after seeing me with someone else. I’ve had them suddenly miss me, after seeing that dating others, wasn’t as appealing to them. Sometimes, I’ve gone about reconnecting with them, and things grew from there. We kind of became friends again, and then, had some new version of the relationship.
Whatever form it make take, the most direct way to try to get back together with someone, is to reach out to them first. This isn’t a declaration of love or begging for them. It is instead, sending out feelers, and trying to build from there.
What’s the first move?
Eventually, enough time will have passed, that one can attempt to reach out to their ex, in order to move forward with getting back together. There really isn’t a better medium for doing so, nowadays, than text messaging.
The hurdle is so small for the ex to send a response, it is crazy. Like, she can respond a minute later or a week later. She doesn’t have to see the guy face to face, she can decide late if and when she wants to respond, and there is no real pressure to make up her mind.
There is also the fact that it is a direct, private, and personal way to communicate AND you can take the time to come up with exactly the right way to phrase what you want to say.
Here is relationship expert Michael Fiore. explaining texts as a form of communication for relationships:
Hopefully, you took the opportunity to download the two free reports towards the top of the post, that help to lay out some of the dos and don’ts of texting your ex. Both of which were written by Mr. Fiore as an introduction to his “Text Your Ex Back”.
Text Your Ex Back is a full mp3 audio and ebook program which has helped thousands of people reignite things with their exes by following Michael Fiore’s advice. He has been on a number of shows including Rachel Ray’s to discuss his methods for romance.
Here is what some of Text Your Ex Back’s users had to say about their success with the program:
“Not only did this program change my relationship with what i feel is the most incredible and unique girl i have met so far in my life, but you actually helped me change my life for the better. Ever thought this could be a life changing event for someone? Not to mention how inexpensive and how user friendly the program is, no amount of money or words could express how truly grateful i am for what you have done for me as a man. And for that i would just like to say…Thank You!”- Matthew R.
“My ex was almost begging me to take him back” I love your program ! It’s so much worth it !! My ex came to me yesterday and was almost begging me to take him back !!! Just as you said it !! Thank you Michael !!!
“Hi Mike. Good program. The 30 days of no contact was crucial – helped work through myself, thoughts and feelings and work on my physical side – mind body and spirit. The “I like myself” exercise is extremely insightful as it reminds ourselves of who we are. My ex and I are giving at another go – small steps but all great journeys start with small steps. Talk was the game opener – being in our 50’s we did more talking face to face than texting but adapted some of the principles in this program. Thanks for helping me find myself first so I could have the opportunity to find my ex.”- Paul
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