A very common issue which guys must face after a relationship ends, is the thought of their ex-girlfriend having sex with someone else (either in imagination or reality). The fact that you spent so much time with this girl and grew to have such a deep connection makes it feel really terrible when she is sharing that type of intimacy with another guy. Seeing your ex in this type of relationship so soon can have devastating effects on your psychological state and emotions. How does one accept this as it is and move on?
Jealousy and Ego
It is interesting as to when we become emotional and/or jealous about a girl having sex. A lot of times when we meet a new girl and begin a relationship with her, she isn’t a virgin (maybe she was in your case) BUT we don’t have the same type of emotional negativity towards the fact that she was with other guys before you. If you do feel that way about guys in the past, then you have a deep seeded attachment to your ego and the self-image you have built for yourself. However, for most guys it really isn’t a big deal because we figure, “She’s with me now.”
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Once she moves on from you and starts to sleep with other guys, why does it bother you more? Her having sex, in no way diminishes you as a man nor does it diminish your past relationship. That relationship has already occurred in the past and run its course.
Really, why should it bother you? You do not have to feel threatened by another man or jealous of him. This type of competition or comparison is the breeding ground of envy, which will only serve to drag you down further. Making you more angry, sad, depressed, etc.
One major factor is the sense of ownership that people get when they are in a relationship. It’s this idea of ‘she’s mine’, which is ultimately an illusion. No girl is ever ‘yours’, she is her own person and while a strong bond and attachment can form, it doesn’t mean that this is going to stay the same forever. After all, there was a time in the past where you probably didn’t know her, she was with another guy, you were seeing other women…there is no difference now, things back then changed, and then things changed again. Acknowledge this fact and begin to let it go.
Reduce It to Its Base
One way to cope with and begin to transcend the jealousy and other emotions that you feel when you think about your ex-girlfriend having sex with another man is to break down the act to it’s core. Think about this reductionist exercise in very clinical terms. What is actually happening? A man sticks his penis inside a vagina, where is skin comes into contact with her. Friction occurs from thrusting in and out until finally there is an intense spasming and some goo shoots out. That’s it. That’s what we get so upset about, when there’s actually no use crying over spilled goo.
Once reduced to it’s more clinical and technical base, do the same thing with your feelings. What actual harm is this causing me? Does this erase the fact that I’ve already had a sexual relationship with this woman? Does him having sex with her negate my masculinity? Does this preclude me from ever having another woman? Will I even give a damn about her having sex with someone else in 10 years? 5 Years? Hell, 5 months?
This short-lived upset is born out of your attachment towards the narrative in your head. You keep telling yourself, again and again, about your masculinity and your failed relationship. Thoughts and memories betray us, as they constantly loop inside our mind, and more and more images get added to them. This makes these scenes and memories more vivid and emotional for us, which creates greater attachment, especially when we begin to interpret them and buy into this story that we’ve created.
Why Getting Used to This Helps in the Future
Think about the ways women can actually hurt or manipulate you. Either by using sex or emotion. If she wants to entice you to do something, she may use sex as a reward. If she wants to punish you, she withdraws sex. If she wants to really hurt you, she may give sex to another man (known as cheating) in order to make you jealous and feel pain. It’s the same way with emotional manipulation, and guys fall for it, almost every single time.
What if you became centered emotionally and took full control of your sexuality and sexual desire? What if you got to the point where it didn’t bother you if you thought about another guy having sex with a girl you were once with? Without any ego attachment to the act of sex, how would your ex honestly hurt you emotionally? Not just your ex but women you date in the future.
It’s very possible to get to a state where you don’t care about such frivolous things, and let go of any girl, who goes away with another guy or tries to break the confines of your relationship. Many guys in polyamorous relationships, let their girlfriend or wife, have sex with other guys and it doesn’t bother them. Some are full of shit, but others, genuinely don’t care. I’m not saying that you have to pursue that type of relationship, or that it’s even a good idea, but they do have some useful concepts on jealousy and sex.
What if you decide to have sex on your own terms and not go chasing it like some rabid dog? Her seductive charms begin to have no effect on you and you can make clear and rational decision about what you want from your sexual life.
She can probably get sex whenever she wants, but can she get a solid loving relationship whenever? Nope. It’s funny because that can often be the last laugh that men get in these break up scenarios. She goes out and has sex with different guys. Her ex-boyfriend is devastated. She thinks she’s won, but ultimately none of those guys care about her. The ex-boyfriend moves on into a better relationship. She is all alone, stuck with guys who only want her for sex.
She Slept with Another Guy and Now Wants Me Back…Wat Do?
Alright, let’s say the scenario is that, she slept with another guy after the break up but now wants to get back together with you. How does one handle that situation?
For me, it would depend highly on the specific circumstances. Admittedly, I would lean heavily towards moving on from that relationship, and firing up the old online dating apps (my book on that subject) to meet new women for myself.
However, I would consider the circumstances, as to whether it was just some random guy or a guy she knew. Do I know how much time elapsed from break up to her having sex with someone else? If it was essentially right after we split and she knew the guy (if I could ascertain that info), then I would say, “No thanks” to her reconciliation offer.
To my mind, he was a back up guy, that she could try to grab onto if things went south with our relationship. It would also be possible that she cheated on me before with him and just made things a bit more official this time around. Either way, I don’t like it, and would move on from her.
If it had been a few months and she had sex with a guy she’d met in the interim period, I’d probably be more forgiving of that. However, it’s still a heavy lean no for me.
You have to analyze your own situation and what you can handle. Let go of all the negative thought patterns, clear your mind, but really figure out how much this might bother you in the future or what impact it might have on a potential reconciliation.
What this Boils Down to
The key is not to just grit it out or cope with these feelings. The key is to become aware of them as they bubble up and not let them take control of yourself. Recognize the anger or other feeling when it arises. Observe it. Are you that anger? Do you have to let it ‘become’ who you are? Can you observe this feeling, recognize where it is coming from, feel it, and then let it go?
Don’t become a victim in your own mind, even if it’s justified, as it will only serve to create another story in your head which will loop continuously and drag you down with it. It is easier to get angry or depressed about these things but letting them go is a much more effective way to deal with them.
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